BooksBarbecue
Back Until I Find You
Chapters (60)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. 50
  55. EPILOGUE
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  58. Also by Rea Frey
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  60. Newsletter Sign-up

She washes her hands in the guest bathroom and catches her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes are weathered, but they are still her most prominent feature. Her ice-blond hair and nearly translucent eyes make her look like an alien sometimes. Savi is the total opposite: olive skin, dark hair, dark eyes. Paul’s eyes.

She flips off the light. “Savi, let’s go!” she calls. Crystal grabs her keys, then walks back outside, her glass of wine lost in the earlier commotion. She catches her wavy reflection at the edge of the pool. She stares, unblinking, then dips her toe in and distorts it.

Gone.

7

BEC

After meeting the girls, I put Jackson down for a nap and fill the bath with bubbles and overpriced salts. I drag the baby monitor into the bathroom, undress, and slip into the scalding steam.

I slide lower into the water and replay the conversation with the girls today. Jess seemed a bit cold when I told her I’d invited Crystal. Beth and Jess haven’t spent much time with her; in their tiny worlds, they are most comfortable with women who have young children too. They say they can’t relate to moms with older kids. While that has some validity, I want friends like Jess and Beth and friends like Crystal. I lower myself even farther into the water.

Tonight, Jess is throwing a Hollywood-themed party and inviting the entire neighborhood. Though I don’t feel like going, I know it’s important to socialize, to rally around my community and keep busy. She begrudgingly told me to invite Crystal too—not wanting to seem snooty—but I know she won’t feel like going either. At least we’ll have each other at the party.

I close my eyes again and think through the contents of my closet. The last party I attended was in Chicago for one of Chris’s work functions. He knew how disorienting it was to acclimate in a large group of strangers. But he would firmly tuck my arm into his and lean in. “I promise not to let go.” And then he wouldn’t. A man of his word. I open my eyes and press my hand to my heart.

“I miss you so much.” The words empty into the steamy room as tears drip into the bathtub. Yes, it’s been a year, but I don’t think missing him will ever lessen. Chris was so easy, so kind. He would have made a wonderful father. Correction: he is a wonderful father. He will always be Jackson’s father, and I will make sure Jackson grows up knowing that.