BooksBarbecue
Back Until I Find You Save as PDF
Chapters (60)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. 50
  55. EPILOGUE
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  58. Also by Rea Frey
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  60. Newsletter Sign-up

I reach into my pocket for my phone, but it isn’t there. I must have left it downstairs. The baby works on draining the bottle. I sing to him. My voice is soft, but he seems to enjoy it, because he falls asleep while eating. I gently burp him and lay him back in the crib. Another tear slips down my cheek as I crank the mobile and step silently from the room. On the landing, I hesitate.

I know what will happen if I go downstairs. I take a step anyway. The wood groans. One drink. One touch. One kiss. Chris flashes through my mind, my amazing husband who will never again get to have a drink, touch, or kiss. My conscience surfaces. I can’t. However much I want to, I can’t. I retreat to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, overcome with memories of Jake and Chris, all clashing for space in my brain.

I stare at the vast, dark space. I remember my first kiss with Jake, wild and unbridled, and my first kiss with Chris, sweet and unsuspecting. My brain dims. My eyes grow heavy but my mind isn’t kind enough to let me sleep.

I think of the first motorcycle ride with Jake, slicing through the city streets and feeling on the brink of death. My first walk without my sight felt similar—every Chicago block offering an uncertain land mine just waiting to detonate. In one experience, my fingers had wrapped around Jake. In another, Chris. I’d needed something from both men—love and adventure from Jake, comfort and security from Chris. When had I stopped relying on myself? Why had I always relied on a man for help?

The questions trample my brain until I’m desperate for a break. But still, sleep eludes me. Sometime, hours later, when my memories are raw, the sun cracks through the blinds. I stand, shower, and prepare myself for the day ahead.

29

CRYSTAL

Savi shakes her mother awake. “You slept the entire night. Are you sick?”

“What?” Crystal rolls over and rubs her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Seven. You missed dinner and everything!” She bounds out of the room.

Crystal checks her phone. Pam had texted last night to say she’d stay the night and also that she was now downstairs making breakfast. Crystal rolls her eyes at the amount of emojis in one text.

She uses the extra time to shower, brush her teeth, and get dressed. She can’t remember the last time she slept so long. What was that, twelve entire hours? Instead of feeling rested, she’s groggy and desperate for coffee.

Downstairs, Savi and Pam laugh about something. Crystal wraps her damp hair into a topknot and pauses at the entrance to their sleek, white kitchen. Pam flips a piece of bacon and scoops some eggs onto a plate for Savi.