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Back Until I Find You Save as PDF
Chapters (60)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. 50
  55. EPILOGUE
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  58. Also by Rea Frey
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  60. Newsletter Sign-up

“Because you still love your husband. When a partner dies unexpectedly, it’s confusing. There’s no end to the relationship. You didn’t choose for your marriage to be over, right? There’s no finality there.” Dr. Gibbons scribbles something on a pad, then leans forward again, so much that I can smell spearmint on her breath. “But it’s not an either-or situation. Chris knows you loved him, but he’s gone, Rebecca. As painful as that is to hear. You can honor his memory and still have future relationships. Maybe not now, but someday.” She rests her pen on the pad. “The only person you harm in not moving on is yourself.”

“That makes sense.” The words echo in my ears: he’s gone. Chris is gone. So many things have been taken from me, but here’s something I can give to myself.

“What are you thinking?”

I don’t rush to fill the silence. Finally, when my thoughts are gathered, I speak. “I’m thinking I really do want to see Jake.”

“Then go see him. You owe it to yourself.”

We quickly make another appointment, and as I rise from my chair and find the door, I turn. “Thank you. I needed this.”

“You’re welcome,” she says. “Now go have some fun.”

10

BEC

I explode onto the street with renewed purpose. I expected to tell Dr. Gibbons my plan to meet Jake and for her to give me a lecture about the past. Instead, I somehow got the permission I didn’t know I needed.

I call a Lyft, voice text Jake, and anxiously wait. I ask the driver’s name as soon as I climb into the car. I slick on some lip gloss, blot my forehead and nose, and take deep, yogic breaths. For the first time in eleven years, I’m going to see my ex-boyfriend. Scratch that: not ex-boyfriend.

The love of my life.

Like all past relationships, I’d filed away my time with Jake. When I got married, I knew it wasn’t fair to Chris to mentally obsess over an ex-boyfriend, so I never brought him up. He was like a secret I hoarded for myself, but the emotional baggage would stalk me in the quieter moments, alone. Only then would he invade my heart like a disease.

After a short ride, the Lyft driver grinds to a stop. I thank him, ask which way to exit, and unfold my cane. Will Jake be inside or out? We didn’t get that far via text. My limbs pulse with adrenaline as I gather my bearings on the sidewalk.

“Rebecca.”