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Back Until I Find You Save as PDF
Chapters (60)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. 50
  55. EPILOGUE
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  58. Also by Rea Frey
  59. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  60. Newsletter Sign-up

“Do you need an escort home?”

I shake my head. “I just live down the street. I’m fine.”

“Have a good night, Rebecca.” The door clicks shut. I don’t tell him that having his card is pointless, though I can use Voice Dream, a software program that scans and reads the information, just like I do when I need to read food labels. I pocket the card, burp Jackson, and bring him to eye level. “Okay, little guy. Enough is enough. Mama needs to get her shit together before everyone thinks I’ve really lost it. Deal?” I gather his drenched diaper bag, my dress that’s now been shoved in a dry-cleaning bag, and carefully descend the stairs.

At the bottom, wild laughter and music drift from the other rooms. I imagine all of my neighbors out there, dressed up and tipsy. Now they have something exciting to discuss. They will run home to tell friends or partners about the blind woman who thought her child was drowning. There will be a story attached to this night, attached to me. I pause with my hand on the doorknob and finally open it. The air is still thick and muggy, even though it’s late.

I don’t want to go back to my house alone, but I don’t have a choice. I think of the sleeping pills in my bag. I could take them and actually get some sleep. It’s been so long since I’ve slept through a whole night. No matter how tired I am, I fidget mercilessly, my life playing out on a relentless loop. When I do sleep, it’s punctured by nightmares.

Get some sleep. Jess’s words beat out a sensible anthem in my head. My fingers itch to pop the pills, if only to experience temporary relief. But I don’t have the luxury of another partner being there if the baby wakes. No. I’m not someone who takes pills.

Instead, I’m someone who faces her demons in the dark.

9

BEC

The next morning, I wake to a throbbing head. My fingers check the time. Too early. The party flits through my mind and I stuff a pillow over my face.

Did that really happen?