Suddenly, the tie is too tight. I hurriedly unknot it and let it slip from my fingers and sink to the floor. A sob hurries up my throat but I suppress it. I miss him. God, how I miss him.

After the accident, I’d called my mother, and she’d never really left. She stepped in to fill those empty spaces, except she was small and manic, where Chris was large and calm. She’d helped me pack, sell the condo, box, donate, sort, and ditch all of Chris’s belongings. She’d held my hand as I was flat on my back and pushed my way into motherhood. Even with her bad heart. Even when all the doctors told her that her time was limited.

When she insisted I move in, I didn’t want to bring much with me beyond the tie, his watches, and a few items I’d pass on to Jackson someday. Now I wish I’d held on to more. Why had I been so eager to leave it all behind before I was really ready to say good-bye?

I drive my knees to my chest and press my cheek against their knobby tops. Is it normal to have this much loss in a single life? First Jake, then my vision, then my career, then my husband, then my condo, then my mother? Mom’s wasn’t a total shock. Her heart condition had put her in and out of the hospital so many times, I’d lost count. The doctors constantly warned her that she needed to change her diet and drinking habits, but she told them that if she had a limited amount of time on this great big earth, she was going to listen to herself, not them. She enjoyed every day, I’ll give her that. And she’d gotten to meet Jackson.

Her death wasn’t grisly like Chris’s, the wreckage of my beautiful thirty-eight-year-old husband displayed on Milwaukee Avenue like roadkill. Only his tie was clean, blown neatly over one shoulder, as if he’d placed it there on purpose.

Dignity in death.

I take a deep, cleansing breath, hold it until I feel dizzy, and exhale completely. “Enough.” I abandon those memories, place the tie carefully back in the closet, and ponder what to wear. When I was first losing my sight, I used ColorTest, a gadget that actually alerted me to what colors to wear. Now, I buy clothes in muted shades of gray, black, and white so everything matches.