A feel this sinkin feelin. Ma knees seem tae melt intae the floor A rest on. A feel like A’m fallin n fallin again, that sensation like goin doon in a lift but intae the floor, like it’s made ae sponge instead ae solid. It’s ma knees geein way n A’m fallin doon n doon. Ma breath’s stolen fae me n ma hands n feet go aw numb. A feel like A’ve been thrown in a bath ae cold water n desperately gasp fur air that isnae comin. It’s just repeated over n over n over n A feel like A’m gonnae pass oot. After twenty minutes ae this sheer terror A calm doon enough tae crawl intae the bathroom n pour cold water on ma heed. Ma heart is fuckin poundin n A’m scared shitless. A’m thinkin A’ve just huv a brush wae death, a heart attack or suhin. Ma hands ir still numb n ma legs ir fuckin jelly. A try tae smoke a fag but even that seems tae bring the horrible feelin back n A stub it oot n lie motionless, starin at the ceiling, shell-shocked.

A dae wit any worried cunt dis. A fire up the eld laptop n stick on the Google. A’m typin ma symptoms: shortness ae breath, numb hands and feet, chest pains. Panic n anxiety. Fur the first few minutes A’m in denial. The usual pish comes up aboot heart attacks n angina n cancer, practically confirmed. The wee creepin n crawlin sensation A’ve been feelin has finally caught up wae us. A’m thinkin aboot cardiac arrests, tachycardia, palpitations n loads ae other words which A’m no sure ae the meanin ae. A heard them on Casualty years back n they’ve resurfaced tae fan the flames ae this mad anxiety. Panic attacks: nausea, sweating, trembling, palpitations. Four ticks. Jesus, fuckin panic attacks? A don’t feel panicky. In fact, A don’t feel worried aboot anyhin, bold as brass YTP wan. A keep tellin maself this as A try n smoke a fag again. A’m determined no tae be beaten but this feelin comes fae deep doon inside us n A think it’s goin tae happen again. Even thinkin aboot it makes the feelin come back. Noo A’m in a constant see-saw ae the fear ae panic, the panic n the panickin fear n back tae fear ae panic then panic n panickin fear n panic n fear n panic, then back tae the fear ae panic n repeat, repeat, repeat. A dunno wit A take drugs fur. A’m no sure why A started but A’m sure ae where it’s got me.