A Strathclyde Safari

2008

Strathclyde Park, known tae us as ‘Strathy’, is where yi go a spin when yi pass yir test. It lies between Hamilton tae the west n Motherwell tae the east. It’s four kilometres squared ae roads n wee car parks centred around Strathclyde Loch. It’s home tae M&Ds, Scotland’s biggest theme park wae aw the rollercoasters n the Kamikaze. A think that’s away noo right enough. The Kamikaze wis two big cages swingin roon, like two fixed grasshopper oil wells yi see in America. They swung adjacent tae wan another n when the first cage reached the tap, it wid pause, leavin yi suspended upside doon fur a minute. It wis then yi heard everywan’s money n phones flyin intae the cage, n A even seen somebody spew n watched a candyfloss n cheese burger mix makin the same trip back tae earth. A preferred the wee shows wae the daft shootin ranges wae the eld 2.2 rifles at Burntisland n aw that. A wis always no bad at that. As an elder teenager yi wid be slopin aff wae the local burds tae the beach n tryin tae git fags n a bottle ae wine. Yi wid sit on the wee rocky bit wae aw the troops n git a swally n hope somebody hud a CD player wae batteries fur beats. They wur the fuckin days.

The local shows wur run by gypsies n yi always ended up fightin wae them. A few ae the big parks in our town n doon Coatbrig became home tae travellin fairs a few times a year. As soon as dark fell n aw the weans left it wid be time tae tango. The gypsy boys wur mental cunts, pure tough made. They wid be standin in a group, makin sure naebody wis thievin or bumpin the rides. Then the young teams ae the town wid attack them n you’d huv full-on square-goes, fights breakin oot everywhere, amid the incessant whine ae the bells n whistles, the muzak n eld dance tunes bangin oot. Even a few high-vis security cunts couldnae stop a rampagin young team meetin the gypos in the middle. If yi wurnae boxin, yi wid just drink a bottle ae wine n jump along fur the ride. Loads ae wee tidies wid be wanderin aboot catchin yir eye wae dirty looks. Cunts bouncin aboot on eckies starin at the flashy lights wae a carnal lust.

‘Aw wit, mate! She’s a fuckin beauty!’ Danny says.

‘Mate, you’ve seen it a hunner times!’ A say, laughin.

‘Aye, she’s a slick beast!’ Broonie says, polishin the bonnet wae his sleeve.

‘Wit aboot Addison in the fuckin new Astra? 1.8 SRI? Your maw n da ir mental geein yi that.’

‘It’s aboot the bottle, no just the throttle!’ Wee Kenzie says.

‘Where we gawn the night then?’

‘Falkirk cruise!’

‘That’s only a Thursday or suhin, man. Wit aboot Strathy?’

‘Aye, yi need tae go tae M&Ds when yi pass fuck!’