It lands on Kate and Shaun – two innocent bystanders who got drawn into my dark and complicated web. Poor Kate had already been through so much with her husband’s spell in prison, their bankruptcy and then having to move away from all their friends. She must have thought she’d landed in crazy town after she met me.

A knock on the door heralds the arrival of one of the nurses. Thank goodness. They’ve come just in time to save me from my dark anxieties. The nurses are generally nice, but I can’t help feeling self-conscious around them. After all, they know exactly what I did. They know my whole sordid story. I wonder if they gossip about us – us being the inmates, or patients, or whatever we’re called. They must. They must have their opinions. Or maybe they’re bound by patient–clinician confidentiality. Some of the nurses are quite friendly. Others are more detached, efficient, brisk. I squirm at the thought of other people looking at me, judging me, pitying, fearing, loathing. Or maybe that’s all in my head, and they don’t have an opinion one way or the other.

‘Morning, Catriona.’

Oh good; it’s Jenny, one of the friendlier psychiatric nurses. Though she can be quite intimidating to look at, with her broad shoulders, meaty arms and ruddy face, I think she’s quite a gentle soul.

She smiles. ‘It’s lovely out there today. You ready to come out for your walk?’ Her voice is soft and kind, her smile genuine and sweet. In another life I might have thought she was patronising in the way she talks to me like I’m a child. But in this life, here and now, her warm tone calms me. ‘Are you okay?’ She frowns. ‘Have you been crying?’

‘I’m fine.’ I try to keep my voice as neutral as possible, although that’s not too difficult – the medication they’ve given me has taken the sharp edge off my emotions. Even though I can still feel them, they’ve become cushioned and soft.

‘All right,’ Jenny says brightly. ‘Come on then.’ We walk out of my room together and along the pale-blue corridor that leads out to the garden. I do get bored of being inside for so many hours at a time, but it doesn’t stop me feeling light-headed when I leave the building. Being outside reminds me of a life beyond these walls. It’s a life that I yearn for. It’s also a life that terrifies me.

‘You’re quiet today, Catriona.’

I nod, unable to make small talk. ‘Lots on my mind.’ The air is fragrant with the scent of sunshine and cut grass. I inhale and enjoy a brief two-second beat of pleasure.

‘Want to talk about it?’ Jenny asks.

‘Maybe.’