‘The thing I don’t understand,’ I say, ‘is why Kira would take a photo of the tattoo. Why would she put it in an exhibition for everyone to see?’

Sonia shifts in her seat. ‘A cry for help? Guilt? She must have been carrying quite a weight around with her every day. I imagine that was almost impossible to bear. It’s why people confess to crimes on their deathbeds. Guilt is a cage they want to be free from.’

‘So it was a subconscious thing, like my fugues?’

‘Maybe. She’ll have made a conscious decision to get that tattoo printed onto the canvas. Whether she’d ever have hung it up –’ she shrugs – ‘we’ll never know.’

‘No.’ I tip the glass from side to side, watching as the water sloshes up the side and then runs back again. ‘I don’t suppose we will.’

Sonia glances up at the clock. ‘Is there anything else you’d like to talk about? We’ve got ten minutes left.’

I shake my head but then change my mind as a thought occurs to me. ‘Yes. I want to ask you about my fugues.’

‘You haven’t had another one?’

‘No. Nothing like that. But I don’t understand why I didn’t follow someone during the first one, to Weston. I did for all the others but why not that one? I still don’t know what I did there, or why.’

‘Okay.’ She rubs her hands together and stares at a spot just above my head as though considering the question. ‘I think the first fugue occurred because you were trying to escape. You read in the newspaper that there were suspicions about your family and you didn’t want to confront that possibility. Admitting to yourself that someone you loved might be responsible would have had far-reaching consequences.’

‘They’d be arrested?’

‘Psychological consequences, I mean. For you. You love your family. They make you feel safe. They’re one of the foundations upon which you build your sense of self. If you’d admitted to yourself that you didn’t trust them it would have had a devastating psychological effect. So you suppressed that thought and escaped.’

‘But I couldn’t because Jake and Mark came after me.’

‘Exactly. And then your condition took a different turn. You began to confront your fears rather than try and escape from them.’

‘But they’ve definitely stopped now, haven’t they? I won’t have any more?’

‘Why would you?’ she says, her brow creasing with sympathy. ‘When your worst fear has come true?’

Chapter 69