‘It’s okay.’ She smiles reassuringly. ‘You don’t have to share what you were thinking about if you don’t want to. Now –’ she crosses her legs and sits back in her chair – ‘I’d like to move on from the amnesia if you’re feeling strong enough, and talk to you about the development that DS Forbes shared with you the other day.’

‘You want to talk to me about what Jason Davies said?’

‘Yes.’

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Only this time Billy is nowhere to be seen.

Saturday 8th November 2014

Jackdaw44: Is it wrong that I want you to kiss me again?

Chapter 31

I have no idea if my session with Sonia was effective or not. I haven’t had another amnesia attack since I saw her six days ago but I still have terrible dreams. I dream that I’m driving around Bristol, looking for Billy, and then I see him – he’s at the end of the road, baseball cap jammed onto his head, shoulders hunched against the driving wind and rain. There’s a van, four cars in front of me, and it’s going slowly, so slowly and I’m swearing at the driver to put his foot on the gas so I can get to my son before he disappears. Then the van stops. The passenger door opens and Billy gets in. I scream and pull at my door but it’s jammed shut and I can’t get out. The van drives off and I can’t stop screaming.

Sleep deprivation has wiped my memories of the last six days. People have come and gone. Mum, Dad, Liz. There’ve been hugs, lots of hugs. And countless cups of tea. The days have run into each other as we all try and come to terms with what DS Forbes told us about Jason Davies. On a couple of occasions I’ve grabbed my car keys intending to go out and look for Billy, only to put them down again seconds later, unable to breathe.

Mark went back to work the day after my session with Sonia.

‘I’ll stay,’ he said after the alarm bleeped and he reached out a lazy arm to turn it off. ‘Claire, I’ll stay if you need me to.’

I shook my head. He’d spent all of the day before pacing the house like a caged animal, settling for minutes in front of the TV and then up again, into the kitchen for a cup of tea, then out to the garage, then back in again. He spent a lot of time standing by the window, looking out at the park opposite our house. He reminded me of one of the tigers in Bristol zoo, stalking back and forth along the same patch of worn grass, eyeing the visitors beyond the glass wall. He could see what freedom looked like but he had no means of escape.