My mind has retreated deep inside itself. Normally my thoughts are at the front of my brain, whizzing and whirling around each other, but those thoughts are a long way away now. It is dark, this place I have reached inside my head. It feels as though I’m in the depths of a tunnel. The sides are grey and cloud-like but they make me feel protected, not scared.

Sonia’s voice surrounds me, telling me to relax, telling me to let myself go deeper with each breath. I do as I am told and my body becomes limp and heavy and my heart stops thudding in my chest. As Sonia continues to speak random thoughts pop into my head – thoughts telling me that I should be worried, that I need to stay in control. I acknowledge them and then, as Sonia tells me to, I let them drift away.

‘I’m going to take you back,’ she says, ‘to the moments before your first fugue. You were in Liz’s house and you went to the bathroom. Remember it now, remember what her bathroom looked like. Have a look around and tell me how you feel.’

I am so relaxed I have to work hard to form words in my throat but the urge to answer her question is stronger than my desire to remain silent. ‘Liz just suggested that Billy might never come home and I feel sick.’

‘Let that feeling go,’ Sonia says. ‘Let it go. You no longer feel sick. You are running the tap. Feel the sensation of the water on your face.’

I hear myself sigh.

‘What happens now, Claire?’

‘I see … I see a newspaper, sticking out of the bin. Billy’s name is on the front page.’

‘What else does it say?’

‘There’s a quote. Someone, a neighbour. They said … they said …’

‘It’s okay, Claire. You’re safe here. You can tell me what it says.’

‘Maybe someone in that family knows more about Billy’s disappearance than they’re letting on.’

‘How do you feel now, Claire?’

Panic grips my chest and my breath catches in my throat.

‘Relax. Relax and go deeper. Those memories cannot hurt you now. Listen to my voice and go deeper, Claire. Let your whole body relax. You are safe.’

‘No. No, I’m not. They know.’

‘Who? What do they know?’

‘Everyone. They know what I fear.’

‘What do you fear, Claire?’

I hear a low groan. It must be coming from me.

‘That someone I know hurt Billy.’

‘And why do you fear that?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I think you do. Let yourself go deeper, Claire. As you listen to my voice let yourself go deeper. Let your body and mind relax. You are safe. You have nothing to fear.’

The grey walls close in on me and I drift backwards, deeper into myself. It is dark but it is safe. I am safe. I want to stay here.