I unclip my seat belt and without really thinking, I am opening the car door and climbing out. I am climbing out and running, and I can hear Alex behind me. I can hear him call my name, but I know he can’t follow. He can’t leave Lily in the car and I’m being clever. I’m heading for alleyways and pathways where his car can’t go. I need to get away. That’s all I can think – that I need to get away.

My skin is crawling. It feels like a separate entity to me, with a mind of its own, burning, and I swear if I could tear it off, I absolutely would. I would tear it off and leave it to bleed on the snow-covered ground.

Alex’s voice fades into the background, the sting of hailstones hitting my face and hands giving me something to focus on as I just keep running.

Chapter Forty-Seven

Ciara

Now

I am emotionally numb. My heart is beating and I can feel the thrum of it in my chest. I am aware of my inhalation and exhalation. I’m aware that there is a hair clip digging into the right side of my head, pulling my hair too tight. I’m aware that my feet are freezing. That black court shoes were not the best choice for a day as cold as this. I can feel, physically, all that is going on around me.

But I am numb. I cannot feel right now. I cannot grieve. I cannot be angry. I cannot sympathise with my mother and Kathleen and their horror at the scene at my father’s graveside. I cannot deal with the people asking questions. I cannot cry. I cannot allow myself to feel at all because if I do, I fear I will become so very angry that I will never be able to put that anger back in its box and put it away.

It will become who I am.

I know Heidi isn’t acting rationally. I know that Heidi is damaged. But I never thought in a million years that she would make such a scene at a graveside. Her anger, her fear was so visceral, so raw that I was scared of what she might do. If it hadn’t been for Alex hauling her back into the car, I dread to think how far she may have gone.

The looks on the faces of our fellow mourners as she screeched and screamed like a banshee will stay with me forever. The horror. As if people didn’t have enough to talk about. To gossip about.

Although I imagine from now Heidi will become the focus of their gossip. They will be watching her. We will all be watching her.

DI Bradley had come to speak to me at the graveside after all the other mourners had left. I’d wanted some time with my father, you see, now that he was underground. Now that I knew I would never see his face again. I’d wanted to tell him I was sorry. Sorry that I wasn’t stronger. Sorry that I ever allowed myself to be caught up in his horrible life again. I wanted to tell him not to expect fresh flowers to be placed on his grave. I would not be standing there and weeping. He was gone and I was happy about that.