‘Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death …’

Chapter Twelve

Heidi

Now

Thankfully, I don’t have to lay the guilt on too thickly before Kathleen agrees to fly over from England. She’ll be here as soon as she can get it all arranged. Maybe her visit will give Joe a bit of a boost, she says to me.

‘I’ll ask my friend, Pauline, if I can stay with her,’ Kathleen says.

I tell her she’s welcome to stay at the house, not adding that it would be great if she did so that she could take care of the overnight minding that Dr Sweeney seems to think her brother needs so badly.

‘I wouldn’t want to get under anyone’s feet,’ she says, and even though I tell her it would be no imposition, she is firm in her resolution to stay with Pauline.

She stayed here, in this house, back then, when I was a child. For a few months, before she moved to England, if I recall correctly. It was, I think, about a year after my mother died. So I had been maybe ten or eleven. I can’t quite remember. We’d had a strange, strained, relationship. At times she was so loving and caring towards me, I felt as if I never wanted her to leave. I realise now that a part of me was longing for someone to fill the hole my mother had left, but also instinctively knew no one could. I was so lost without my mother, though, I grabbed on to every act of affection tightly.

But then, at other times, Kathleen would look at me as if I was completely incomprehensible to her. An alien child. I’d see no trace of warmth or love. Those times were scary.

I’ve often wondered if she knew what happened under this roof, if she had any suspicions at all. It’s hard to believe she didn’t, but it’s worse to think that she might have and did nothing about it.

Even though she says she will stay with Pauline, I decide to make sure the two spare rooms are ready. Joe is sleeping and Lily is napping in her pram in the living room, so I decide to kill the time productively. One used to be my old bedroom and the other a guest room. At least they’d be in a decent state for anyone unlucky enough to get landed with an overnight shift.

If nothing else, it gives me something to distract me from my own thoughts, which have a tendency to slip towards darkness and despair a little too often for comfort these days. It’s best just to keep busy, I tell myself.

I can’t remember the last time I set foot over the door of my old bedroom. God knows when anyone was last in it. There’s no doubt it will need to be aired and dusted, especially if there’s a chance Lily will have to spend a night here with me.