You’re nothing but a mad little bitch. Everyone hates you.

I recoiled from the phone as if it had actually burned me, tossing it to the end of my bed. Then I scrabbled to reach it again, to look at the number, which I wrote down on a piece of paper. I figured I’d ask around at school to see if anyone knew who the number belonged to, but then I realised they’d all ask questions. They’d all want to know why I needed to know and I’d be too embarrassed, too scared that they would tell me the message was the truth, to show it to them.

I read it over and over again. My heart thumping. Was that why bad things happened to me? Because I was mad? Because I deserved to be punished? I covered my ears to try to drown out the voices in my head, which was about as successful as you would expect, and I curled myself into a ball on my bed and wondered if Ciara had been right all along. I should just kill myself and be done with it.

Chapter Forty-One

Heidi

Now

Alex walks into the bedroom moments after I hear Ciara stomp downstairs. I’m scarlet with rage and embarrassment. What will she be saying now to everyone? To Father Brennan?

‘Erm … what’s going on? Ciara’s very upset,’ he asks me. ‘She says you raised your hand to hit her.’

There’s a look of disappointment about him. It actually emboldens me. Angers me further. That he isn’t automatically on my side. Why is no one ever automatically on my side?

I’m ashamed that I raised my hand, but I’m not sorry. What she had said had been vile.

‘I didn’t actually hit her!’ I protest. ‘She deserved a slap across the face but I stopped myself.’

‘Jesus Christ, Heidi! It’s her father’s wake. She’s down there bawling and giving out in front of everyone. What will they think of you? Is it not bad enough that our every move is being watched anyway?’

‘They can watch all they want, Alex,’ I spit back at him. ‘Something fucked up is going on in all this and I’ve had enough of trying to keep the waters smooth. She accused me of stealing Joe’s prayer book – of hiding it in Lily’s changing bag so they couldn’t see it to choose stuff for the funeral.

‘She called my mother mad. And me, too. She says I’m crazy. I’m not the crazy one or the one keeping secrets, Alex. Marie’s just told me that she and Joe never even got divorced! After mum died, they just didn’t bother. How on earth am I supposed to react to that? Just sigh and accept it as not as messed up as it really is?

‘And I’m sure they are setting me up for this. They want everyone to think it was me. That I killed him. Everyone is looking at me as if I did it. Ciara more or less said it outright, that she believes it was me.’