I can hear Stella asking if I’m okay, but it’s almost as if I can’t quite understand what I’m feeling any more.

Heidi gets up and storms out of the room, Alex following her. I hear the back door open and I just sit and try to process everything that has just been said.

But I can’t escape the truth. I might be shocked at Heidi’s outburst, but she is only speaking the truth. My father is not, and never could be, a good man.

The only person I’m truly angry at is him.

Chapter Sixteen

Heidi

Now

I have stopped, dead in my tracks, at the edge of the lawn in the back garden. I swallow a lungful of the damp night air, shuddering as I exhale. I’ve not realised until now that I am shaking. The sound of heavy footsteps on the gravel behind me makes me jump. I brace for impact. For a clip to the back of the head. For admonishment that I had run away and good girls don’t run away.

Good girls show gratitude.

Good girls behave.

‘Your mother would have wanted you to behave, that’s what would have made her happy.’

My breathing changes, becomes shallow, short gasps at the air that feels moist and heavy and cold. It’s as if I am consuming coldness and it is filling my veins until my shaking becomes more violent.

Maybe Alex is right. Maybe this isn’t the right time or place, but I’m struggling to hold this all in now. I’m struggling with the weight of keeping quiet, of talking about bucket lists and making him happy.

Joe McKee does not deserve to be happy.

He does not deserve to leave this world peacefully, thinking he is absolved of all of his sins.

The steps grow closer. Heavy breathing. I sense anger. I feel it grip me.

‘Heidi.’ Alex’s voice is hard and cold.

I turn to look at him – see disappointment and anger in his eyes.

‘Was there really a need for that?’ he asks.

I blink back at him. My usual reaction is to say no. To apologise. To push down at the feelings and all the memories that weigh heavy on my chest every single day. But it feels different now and I want to tell him. I want to tell him everything – even though it will change our lives. I want to be brave.

‘Yes,’ I tell him. ‘There was a need for it. All this, what we’re doing, Alex. It’s all bullshit. While he lies up there, being waited on hand and foot. The people he hurt are running themselves into the ground trying to make his last few months bearable.’

‘You keep saying that,’ Alex says. ‘That he hurt people. That he is a bad man. But why, Heidi? He’s a bore, for sure. He takes advantage of your good nature. He holds political and religious beliefs that I don’t agree with it. But a bad man? He raised you for years. He didn’t have to.’