‘She’s here, Alex,’ I say, shuffling over a little so that he can see where she is, lying safe and sound beside me.

‘In the bed? Jesus, Heidi. Why is she in the bed? And you were sleeping! You could’ve rolled over …’

‘I didn’t, Alex. She’s fine. I was awake most of the time. I just needed a hug.’

‘But what if? Heidi, we agreed no co-sleeping. You know how scared I am that she’ll overheat or get smothered.’

He seems really panicked, even though I’m showing him evidence of a perfectly healthy baby beside me.

‘She didn’t, though. She’s safe. Look, she had no duvet over her and plenty of room to stretch. She was fine, Alex. I can be trusted to keep her safe, you know.’

I’m not sure where the tone in my voice has come from, but as soon as the words are out I know that they say more than I thought. They’re accusatory. Defensive. I feel on edge, my hackles already rising before I’ve even got out of bed.

He sits at my feet and reaches up and lifts Lily, waking her from her sleep and prompting a wail of hunger in return.

‘You know I’d die if anything ever happened to her,’ he says. ‘We can’t take risks, Heidi. Not with Lily. She’s not one of your dolls!’

He kisses the top of her head, holds her close to him as if I’ve just held her dangling out of the window, or committed some other such heinous crime against her.

‘Of course I know she’s not one of my dolls,’ I snap back at him. ‘Christ, Alex, I just needed to be close to her.’

Can’t he see how hard all this is for me? I feel tears spring to my eyes. This whole episode is a nightmare. When I do manage to sleep, my dreams are filled with terrible images from my past, and visions of police officers hauling me away from my family, never to see them again.

‘I’m sorry,’ Alex says, not entirely convincingly. ‘We’re all on edge. I’m on edge. Of course I know you wouldn’t hurt Lily. That was stupid and cruel of me to compare her to a doll,’ he says.

He hands her to me and I see it as a gesture that he trusts me, that his panic from earlier has passed.

‘Will we get this day over and done with?’ he asks. ‘The undertakers are coming at nine thirty. We need to get up and ready and go round to Marie’s.’

I nod. In a matter of hours, Joe McKee will be in the ground. One half of this ordeal will be over. We will just have the police to face then. Just the police … ha! If I say it fast enough maybe it won’t sound so scary.

‘Grand,’ he says, pulling on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt. ‘I’ll go and get started on breakfast. Why don’t you jump in the shower? I’ll have something ready for you when you’re done.’