‘Look at you! Just look at you, cutting all your hair off like that. Oh, Heidi, when it broke your poor mammy’s heart to lose her hair to the cancer and you’re after hacking your own hair off,’ Granny had wept and I had felt worse than I thought was possible.

Perhaps unexpectedly, Ciara had a cruel reaction. ‘Did you have nits or something? Because I’ll have to get Daddy to boil wash every towel and sheet in that horrible hovel of yours before I come and visit again,’ she sneered.

When I had curled up on my bed and sobbed, no longer buoyed by the thought my actions might actually make my life a little easier, Kathleen had come and sat beside me, tenderly resting her hand on my shoulder.

‘You know we all just need to be brave now, Heidi, don’t you? And we all have to work together to get through this. I know it’s very, very sore on you. And it’s not one bit fair, but try to remember there are other people hurting, too. Yes, you lost your mammy and that’s awful, sweetheart. But Joe lost his partner. He loved your mother very much and he’d hoped to spend the rest of his life with her. He’s hurting too and he doesn’t always get it right. But he does try. If we all try, it will come good. I promise.’

That was the first time I almost told her. The words were on the tip of my tongue. She was being kind. She was listening, at least. She was saying it was hard for us all. But she didn’t know the truth. She didn’t know that after my mother had died Joe had started to do those things to me. Maybe if I told her, she’d talk to him just like she was talking to me. She would tell him to stop. Tell him that he had to try harder, too.

I wanted so much to tell her, but I was eleven. I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t say why it felt wrong, or how I knew it wasn’t natural, or how I just wanted it all to stop. So I curled up in a tighter ball and shrugged her hand away. I didn’t speak. Didn’t interact. And after a while she stood up and, without saying a word, left.

I think she had already made up her mind about me.

Chapter Thirty-One

Heidi

Now

‘I heard about your doll; I’m very sorry. You must be very upset about it,’ Ciara says. ‘I know how much she meant to you.’

I feel my cheeks burn. The room is silent. Kathleen is staring down at the table. She looks as if she has aged ten years overnight. I’ve come downstairs with Lily to find them all, apart from Stella, sat around the table drinking tea. Alex can’t quite meet my eye and I know without having to ask that they have been talking about me. I notice Kathleen looking at the dressing on my hand. God only knows what they have been saying, but I feel my paranoia grow.