“Oh yeah.” I had forgotten, actually. “Here, hold these a second,” I said, giving him both cups of tea. He held one in each hand and the packet of biscuits in his teeth.

“Good boy.” I patted him on the head and gestured for him to come upstairs. He tried to complain when he realized I was making fun of him, but he had the packet of biscuits clenched between his teeth so all he could do was let out a muffled protest and follow me.

After setting the tea down in the windowsill, Oliver jumped backward onto the bed and made himself all cozy in my pillow nook.

“What are we watching? I have to tell you I’m not interested in your sex tape.”

With great effort, I pulled a pillow out from behind his back and hit him with it before settling on the bed myself.

“Tea, please, pervert.” I held my hand out.

“I said I’m not interested and you think that’s perverted? You sure think a lot of yourself.”

“Do you ever give over?” I sighed. “We’re watching Never Been Kissed.”

“Ah, your biopic.”

“I thought I was slutty? You can’t have it both ways.”

“Sure I can,” he said, tearing into the biscuits. “I see an opportunity and I go for it.” He stuffed a biscuit in his mouth and got crumbs all over my bed. Was this what being straight was like? A boy in your bedroom making a mess? Not for the first time, I thanked God I was a lesbian.

An hour and a half later we had completely demolished the biscuits and the premise of the film.

“Like, come on. Just because he knows now that she’s not a student does not make it OK that he was into a student, right?” I said, incredulous.

“Probably not. I mean, he must have been going home at night, to his adult girlfriend, thinking, I fancy my student. That’s not normal.”

“Exactly, and then he has the cheek to be mad at her?”

“Let’s not gloss past the fact that her adult brother is bucking a different student.”

“Oh hold on. Look. She’s waiting for him now on the pitch. I wonder if he’ll come and kiss her?” I said sarcastically, pretending to hide behind my hands.

“The suspense is killing me.”

“I’d be so impressed with this film if he doesn’t turn up at the end, she goes home, and a couple of weeks later she starts going out with a guy who doesn’t get a hard-on looking at students in period costume.”

The guy ran out onto the pitch and we both booed the screen loudly.

When it was over, Oliver sprawled out on my bed.

“That was terrible. Did Ruby tell you to watch it?”