How could he do this to me? To Mum? I conjured up everything I knew about Beth. She and my dad were having an affair. She worked at an advertising company. She was always trying to talk to me, and I had to come up with ever more creative ways to avoid these “friendly” chats. I hated Dad for being so weak, for betraying Mum like that, for hopping into bed with the first replacement he could find, like you could just swap one woman out for another if she didn’t suit you anymore. And the way he expected me to accept it was mind-blowing. But I never in all this time thought it was serious. I would have worried if she’d started coming around for dinner or worse, she’d been staying here overnight, but they always went out. When he didn’t come home, I tried not to think about why and concentrated on being grateful for the peace and quiet.

On the edge of my bed, my finger hovered over Hannah’s name in my contact list. I was so tempted to press call. Even after eight months, after everything that happened, I really wanted to talk to her. I wanted to call and let myself sink into her voice, the words soothing me no matter what absurdly well-reasoned, totally emotionless thing she actually said. But I was longing for something that didn’t exist anymore. That was the thing about breaking up. You think you’re over it and then something happens and you feel the loss all over again. I put the phone down. There wasn’t anyone else to tell.

Don’t go feeling all sorry for me or anything, though. I hate that. It’s the worst part of everyone knowing you have no friends. I really don’t mind being alone; it’s the pity I can’t bear.

Once, about six weeks after the breakupocalypse, I was alone in our form classroom, eating a sandwich, when my ex–best friend, Izzy, walked into the room.

Now, sandwiches are literally the stuff of life. You can’t beat food stuck between bread by a thick layer of butter. But there is nothing that looks more forlorn and pathetic than sitting alone, eating a sandwich. It happens in films all the time. Whenever they want to show how sad and lonely a character is, they have them eat a sandwich at their desk or eat a sandwich on a park bench or eat a sandwich in front of the TV.