I plonked myself at the table and scrolled through Twitter, pretending not to hear the giggling wafting out from the kitchen. When there was a crash and more giggling I instinctively glanced in that direction. I was punished with a glimpse of them full-on trading saliva. Gross.

I scanned the room for an overnight bag and thankfully didn’t see one. Unless she carried a pair of clean knickers and a toothbrush in her purse.

Gross. Why did my mind go there?

I tried to get invested in a thread about a guy who met the president when he was high. Perhaps I also searched to see if Ruby had an account, but if she did, I couldn’t find it.

When Dad and Beth finally emerged from the kitchen, Dad’s cheeks pink and Beth’s eyes twinkling, I rolled my eyes. The likelihood of me keeping dinner down was dwindling. Enjoy it while it lasts. At least one of you is going to get seriously burned by this hasty decision. My money was on Beth. Dad already had a track record of abandoning wives. It almost made me feel sorry for her. Run now, Beth! You better hope you don’t get a cold or anything. Dad will be off riding the next girl because he had to heat up chicken soup for a week and it was so hard on him.

I decided against issuing that particular warning. She’d made her bed, after all. It wasn’t my job to protect her from her own stupidity. Besides, maybe she’d dump Dad and he’d get a taste of his own medicine. A picture of Dad getting old alone nudged its way into my head. I pushed it away. It was too confusing. Instead I shoved a bit of dry unseasoned chicken into my gob and focused on that.

Another thought occurred to me, though. If Dad was so keen on substituting my mother with a younger, healthier model, then I couldn’t be sitting here all polite like she was a stranger. She’d already missed out on years of arguments and strops and sarcastic comments. I should make her feel more a part of the family.

“So should I call you New Mommy or . . . ?” I chewed on the chicken with my mouth open.

Dad opened his mouth to tell me off, or maybe that was his jaw dropping.

“I’m only messing with you. Breaking the ice, you know.” I gave them both my best innocent face. I think I wanted to start a row but to my surprise, Beth laughed.

At least she wasn’t a total dry shite.