“That might be true. And I don’t know what I’d do if I were you. But she’s my mother. There isn’t anything I’d think was too much to give up.”

Shoulders stooped, he nodded, not looking at me but at the floor between his feet. Then he looked up at me again.

“Do you hate me for it?”

“I don’t hate you, Dad. I love you. But I’ve been angry with you.”

“And now?” he asked.

“Now I just wish we could be honest about what is going on and what might happen to me, but you won’t even discuss it. I have to live with knowing I might end up just like her and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Dad looked up at the ceiling and shook his head.

“You’re right. I think if I don’t talk about these things, and I hope hard enough, that it won’t happen to you. Watching my wife deteriorate and then looking at my daughter and wondering if the same thing is going to happen to her. Saoirse, I can’t think about it.”

“Well, you have to, you bloody selfish arsehole,” I shouted, startling him. I tried to regain control of my temper. I could say what I had to say without screaming. “You’ve left me alone in this. Abandoned me to deal with it all on my own and maybe that’s even shittier than what you did to Mum. So you know what, if you want me to stop being angry with you, you could start by acting like someone’s feelings other than yours matter.”

For a minute I thought he would argue back. He seemed to cycle through a lot of emotions at once, all of them jumbled up on his face.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try and be better,” he said finally.

It wasn’t perfect and it didn’t fix anything. It would take me a lot longer to forgive him, and myself. But I knew that he still deserved to be happy even if he wasn’t the perfect, understanding movie dad I wanted him to be.

“Did the S-word just come out of Robert Clarke’s mouth? Someone get me a plaque so I can mark the date and time for posterity.”

“You have enough cheek for a spare arse, you know that?” Dad laughed. It felt good to break the tension a little. His laugh faded into silence and we looked at each other. This was new territory.

“What now?” Dad asked.

“I suppose now we move on, but differently.”

Dad hugged me and wouldn’t let me go. He rested his chin on my head.

“Your mum will always be family to me. I hope you know that much.”