I let the shower wash off the night before and thought through the upcoming weeks. Exam results, the wedding . . . and whatever came after that. I was keenly aware I still hadn’t mentioned to Dad that I wasn’t totally on board with Oxford. Every time he brought it up I reminded him I might not be going, but I knew he thought I was being cautious about my grades. There’d be a party too, of course, on results night. I could get drunk and kiss girls. It would probably be at Oliver’s, though, and maybe I shouldn’t show up there. I didn’t want to look like I was following Ruby around. Although if I didn’t go I was purposefully avoiding her and that would look like I was not totally over it.

I know what you’re thinking. Why do you care so much what other people think, Saoirse? But at the time it did not occur to me that I was only considering what it looked like and not what my actual feelings were. At the time they seemed like the same thing. Like if Ruby thought I was over it, then I would be. Appearances were reality. And what did people who were definitely not depressed about their ex-not-girlfriend do? They got on with life, and I would too.

In the kitchen, I clicked Beth’s fancy espresso machine on. I was wrecked from a bad night’s sleep, but I was going to visit Mum the same as I did every day. I’d missed her yesterday for the first time in a long time because of Ruby so I wouldn’t do it again. After Mum? Well, that was a problem for future Saoirse. One step at a time.

I found glasses and mugs in the cupboard. Beth and Dad must have stayed up late and put away some of the kitchen things. I felt a pang of guilt for snapping at them, but it wasn’t a feeling I was comfortable with so I ignored it. I didn’t actually drink coffee so I don’t know what I was expecting but it tasted terrible and I ended up downing an espresso like a tequila shot as Beth padded into the kitchen in an ugly nightie and fluffy socks. It was weird seeing her in the morning. I didn’t know how to feel. It was like I thought I should feel mad at her or mad at Dad maybe, but the feeling wouldn’t come. Maybe that was the exhaustion, though.

“You’re up early,” she yawned, filling the kettle.

“Didn’t sleep well,” I said.

“Oh yeah,” Beth said like she had forgotten something in her sleep haze. “I wanted to go and talk to you, but your dad said it was better to leave you alone. Did something happen? Did you and Ruby fight? You were gone a long time.”