An intense longing coursed through my body, my breath tightened, and all the things I wanted rushed into my head like a wave. I lay on top of Ruby, propped up on my elbows, and looked into her eyes for a moment. I saw that look. The one where something passed between us without words. Then I leaned in and kissed her, soft at first, but it was like tiny fires were catching all over my body and she was the cool, dark water that would save me. Her mouth found my neck and shivers rippled through me. My hands found the hem of her shirt and I peeled it off, tossing my own on the floor. She reached around and unclipped my bra and took her own off too. Somehow I felt almost embarrassed to look, like she’d see how much I wanted her and she’d laugh. She touched me first and the sensation rippled all through my body. We melted into each other, her body pressed against me, her skin sticking to mine in the humid summer.

Twenty minutes later we surfaced. Disheveled, out of breath, and unable to keep the smiles from our faces.

“I don’t want to do it for the first time on a manky, old sofa,” Ruby said, clambering back to sitting, out of breath and rumpled in a way that made my stomach flutter. “I’d still rather something more traditional.”

“Like after prom?” I suggested, thinking of the montage.

“Like in a bedroom,” she said.

“Right.”

My mattress was still upstairs to be picked up by the recycling people tomorrow, but the bed frame had been moved and the sheets and pillows were packed. I didn’t think Ruby was going to be any more enamored of a bare mattress in an empty room somehow and I wasn’t either. I pictured soft bedding, soft lighting, and soft music.

But don’t tell anyone I said that. It’s embarrassing.

We caught our breath in silence for a second, holding hands even though our palms were sweaty.

“So,” I said very casually and not at all in a higher pitch than normal. “When you say first time, do you mean first-first or like our first together?”

Ruby flipped her hair from one side to another, a few slick strands stuck to her forehead.

“First-first.”

“First with a girl first or . . .”

“First ever. I’ve had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. I’ve never even kissed a boy.”

“Oh my God, maybe you’re secretly straight, but the lesbian agenda got to you before you had time to figure it out,” I joked. Mostly I was trying not to think about those other girls. We all know being jealous of someone in the past is stupid, but it doesn’t mean you don’t still feel it.