Ruby told me all about Noah. How he had a specific type of cerebral palsy and the surgery was meant to improve his walking and balance and reduce muscle spasticity (which Ruby had to explain to me). It had to be followed up with a lot of physical therapy. She also told me that Noah was Ariana Grande’s biggest fan and that he wore a Spider-Man outfit six days a week. Her family had gone out early to have a bit of a holiday and then they’d be staying awhile for recovery and aftercare. She said complications were rare, but she still panicked every time her mum phoned just in case. When they got back Noah would be spending a long time getting intensive physical therapies in a treatment center in London. Thankfully it was a short commute from their home. Ruby was putting off uni until next year because she wanted to be around to help and get a job to help pay for some of the cost of all the traveling and extra things they needed. It surprised me that they didn’t have money. Somehow I’d assumed that because Oliver’s family were rich, Ruby’s family were too. But it didn’t surprise me that Ruby would do that for her family. I thought about her story about the gymnastics classes, the way she rescued (stole) kittens, her period campaign, and how even after I messed up and lied to her she still wanted to be there for me and help me with Dad. She would do anything to care for the people she loved.

Unlike me.

She was so cheerful and positive and though she was obviously sad that her little brother had to deal with such big things, I couldn’t see in her the horrible things I saw in myself. The frustration and tiredness and self-pity. The shame or anger or hopelessness.

“I think next year when things are a bit more settled I’m going to try and do something like what Beth was talking about at uni. I did psychology A level—do you think that would be relevant? It sounds so cool. Do you think she’d let me tag along to a meeting or something?” Ruby chattered, and she seemed lighter and happier than ever. And it was the first career option she’d considered that had lasted more than fifteen seconds.

“Probably,” I said, swallowing the horrible thoughts.

Now that Ruby had finally been able to tell me something that was so important to her, she was giddy and free like she might float away on a strong breeze. But the lightness I’d felt earlier vanished. A ton weight of guilt kept me firmly grounded.

“You should ask,” I said, swallowing it down. “Maybe you could get a job there after university. You could branch out to films and TV and work on improving lesbian representation in the media.”