Well there goes another day of total bollocks. Look, I plan to get my shit together and storm through this with grace, but I need a week of being an asshole first. They are saying the schools will be closed here until September? Whoa. I presume by then we will have tests, so we can at least share the kids with other ‘negative’ families, and get them some playdates going? We’re not dealing with the bubonic plague here. I get that we need to stop it spreading, but it can’t fill us all with so much fear that we never leave the house again … can it? I just want to get these two weeks of isolation over, so I can drop my kids off at their friends’ houses occasionally – that would make all the difference. I’m not sure what the deal with having any childcare is, because how can I control what that person does with their time while they are not with us? Kid share sounds more likely. With families who you know are doing everything right.

MY GOD THIS IS MENTAL.

It’s blowing my mind to think that just last week I was with a friend in London. We said goodbye to my sweet Caroline and among the sadness of it all, I was making jokes about coronavirus, saying how I wouldn’t have risked getting it for anyone else. Not so funny now.

I woke up with a cold and have felt low energy and a bit glum all day. Although I did do an hour of ‘school’ with my son Art. This involved teaching him how to write the letter N, and finding things around the house, and in his books, beginning with N. We both got bored, but he can now spell ‘Nope’, so it wasn’t an entire waste of time.

I forgot to give the kids lunch then, when I remembered, they ate it like it was their first meal in years.

I’m eating too many crisps. Today I had them with a mayonnaise-based dip. I plan to do that most days. If I’m going down, I want to do it slathered in mayonnaise, eating Kettle Chips. Is that too much to bloody ask?

Talking of going down, I have had Dido’s ‘White Flag’ stuck in my head for days. Nice and chirpy.

I need to exercise, but I genuinely don’t feel amazing so maybe I just let this thing pass first. I only wish I knew if I had the bloody virus. I can’t get my head around that I may never know. This is America. THIS is madness. You can spit into a tube and find out if your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Wally had a Spanish uncle, but you can’t find out if you have flu? Well done, Trump. Nailing it.