‘It is. I, er …’

He leans in and whispers, ‘You just called me Anal Man, is that my new name?’

‘No. Look, oh God sorry, can we catch up later, I really need to …’ I push past him too.

‘Sure, why not. Anyone else wanna come in?’ he jokingly shouts down the corridor, before shutting the door. When he turns around, Risky and Lauren are standing opposite each other. I am in a corner begging the ground to swallow me up. What is he doing here?

‘Are you OK, love?’ he asks Lauren protectively.

‘Yeah, I’m OK Dad. This is Risky and Beth, they’re my wedding planners.’

Dad? Anal Man is Lauren’s dad? For fuck’s sake!

‘Lauren’s dad? Wow,’ says Risky. ‘The plot thickens …’

‘What’s wrong, Risky? Did the cake not show up or something?’ Lauren asks.

‘The cake showed up,’ Risky says, mentally preparing herself.

‘OK, well what is it then? Something is wrong, isn’t it? Oh God, is it the ice sculpture? Did it smash?’ Lauren is doing her best to guess while Risky prepares to blow up her life into a billion pieces.

‘The ice sculpture is fine. I … I … Oh I can’t do it, Beth, tell her.’

‘What? Why me?’

‘Because you’re the boss?’ Risky says, as if that makes any sense. Lauren turns to look at me. She is worried now, maybe starting to panic a little. Why would we burst in like this if it wasn’t serious? I have to tell her, but how?

‘What is it, Beth?’ Anal Man asks.

The room is suddenly deathly still. I have no choice.

‘Lauren, Risky and I just saw something we wish we hadn’t seen.’

‘What?’ she asks nervously. ‘What did you see?’

I take a deep breath and hang my head. I can’t look at her while I say this.

‘We saw Gavin having … he was having …’

‘Having what?’ Lauren asks, a little tear appearing.

‘Having sex with your—’

Right on cue, in storms Mayra. ‘Right, let’s get this dress on, shall we darling?’ she says. ‘Oh Ross, you’re here!’

‘Ross!’ I yelp. ‘Ross, that’s it!’ Everyone looks at me strangely.

‘Having sex with who?’ Lauren says. And I realise she hasn’t moved an inch, or taken her eyes off me. Waiting for me to finish my sentence with her entire life depending on it.

‘With her,’ I say, pointing at Mayra. ‘Risky and I just saw Gavin having sex with your mother.’

Lauren and Mayra lock eyes. Risky smiles at me, and mouths, ‘Well done.’ I feel like the worst person alive.

‘Mum?’ Lauren says, with so much pain in her voice that it hurts just to hear it. ‘Is that true?’

‘What? Of course it’s not true. These women are trying to get publicity for their business. It’s very obvious, darling. Now please, everyone out. It’s time for the bride to get dressed.’