‘OK great, you’ll be with Pete today, he’ll be right out.’

‘Pardon?’ I ask, I must have misheard her.

‘Pete, he will be your technician today.’

‘Pete? Is that short for Petra?’

‘No, Peter. He does our full-body waxes. You’ll love him, he’s very quick.’

‘He’s a bloody man!’

‘Oh, God yeah, sorry. Don’t worry, he’s gay.’

She looks at me as if she just solved all my problems.

‘I can’t do that, is there a woman available?’ I ask. I have done an enormous amount of mental preparation to come here today and I have found peace with using a new technician, but not Pete.

‘No, sorry,’ she says, getting impatient. ‘Will you take a seat?’

I sit on the sofa next to a young woman in a short skirt. I look at her legs – not a single hair in sight. Why is she even here? If she knew what was going on underneath my dress, she would be sick. I might be sick.

‘Ruby,’ says a man who I presume is Pete. He is about five foot six, blond, also not hairy. I can’t put myself through this.

‘Sorry, I’ve changed my mind,’ I say, getting up. ‘I don’t need it after all.’

‘Are you sure?’ Pete asks, confused. I tell him I am very sure. Instead, he calls for a Hannah. Hannah jumps up and says ‘Yay’ and they kiss on each cheek and disappear into the back. To wax her perfect fanny, no doubt.

This is not the salon for me.

I’ve been waxing like clockwork for more than twenty years and have never missed a cycle, but it’s like the universe is conspiring against me.

Due to the failed wax attempt, I pick Bonnie up at nursery after two hours, just as Maria insisted. It gives me a little spring in my step, to do something that suggests I am actually a reasonable parent. Maria said she didn’t cry as much this time, but she refused to play with the other kids, saying they were babies and that she wanted more three-year-olds. Maria said there are other three-year-olds who come to the school, but they are all on holiday.

‘All of them, in the middle of a term?’ I asked, in my most accusatorial voice. She nodded and told me I could only bring her for two hours a day until she was settled. It’s too hard on the other kids when Bonnie loses it the way that she does, apparently.