The man is gentle but passionate. He pulls my hair and scratches his nails down my back. As he starts to ramp up, and I know this will end soon, I tell him to go harder. ‘Harder, harder,’ I say, and he slams into me. Air popping from my anus, making fart sounds that I don’t allow to bother me. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hurt. I thought it might. He is so turned on, and that makes me feel so good. This is as much for my head as my body, I need to be ravished. He pulls out and comes all over my bottom. He falls back onto the sofa and pulls his shirt over his penis. Why did he do that, was there poo on it? I look down on the sofa, there are huge wet patches underneath me from where my breasts have leaked. I’m trying to stay in the moment and keep reality at bay, but it’s hitting me now. What am I doing? This is not OK.

‘Oh God,’ I say, getting to my feet. ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what that was about.’

‘What that was about? You being so sexy?’

‘Yes, that. Me asking you to do that, that isn’t who I am.’

‘It’s OK.’

‘It’s not OK. Oh God.’ I realise the milk is pouring from my nipples down my tummy.

‘Wait, are you lactating?’ he says, throwing his t-shirt at me to catch the drips. ‘How old did you say your kid was again?’

I don’t remember what I told him.

‘Oh God. Please, I need to go, I don’t know what I was thinking.’

Another small but audible air pocket pops out of my bum. They are not actual farts, but still. This is not ideal.

‘Here,’ the man says, passing me my soaking wet, heavy nursing bra.

‘Thank you,’ I say, as I turn around and put it on. I get dressed. He politely doesn’t watch me. I suddenly don’t feel sexy. I feel flabby, pale, and like I want to hide.

‘Are you going to be OK?’ he asks me, kindly. ‘I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t asked.’

‘Will I be OK? I don’t know. I just need to go home. I’m sorry for all of this. I have a baby and a husband, and I don’t know what I’m doing.’

He stands up. He puts his hands on my arms. ‘It’s OK. OK? Everyone has the right to act out of character sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re OK, and this is between us. It doesn’t have to collapse your world.’

He’s a really nice person.