Ah hadnae. Some crusties are burning incense in the corner and ah get a nice whiff which fills my nostrils and ah nod over at them. – Naw …

– Ye gaunny dae it soon?

– Naw … ah’m still up here, man. Ah might save it fir the fitba the morn, eh.

– Ah dinnae ken but eh, Lloyd … Ally pouts, looking like a toddler who’s had his sweeties taken away.

– Fuck it, special occasion, eh, ah say to him, as either he or ah or some other cunt says every weekend as every weekend is, indeed, a special occasion. We neck our pills and the adrenalin rush of just having taken more chems has set Ally off again.

– Party Chicks can be subdivided, man, intae like two groups: Hiya Lassies and Sexy Feminists. Straight-Pegs are women who dinnae touch drugs, eh no man, and they shag only dull twats like themselves who are intae aw that home-and-garden shite. These are mainstream straight-pegs, man, dead easy tae spot. There are alternative straight-pegs, the kind ay po-faced feminists who read the Guardian or the Independent and that and are intae career-development paths and aw that sort ay shite. You have to watch them, if they arenae dykes, man, you can sometimes mistake them for Sexy Feminists. No always, but sometimes.

This is magic. Ally’s off. – The Boyle Laddie is off on a mazy! ah shout, and a few other people come over as Ally continues his rant.

– Hiya Lassies are the best but, man, but mair ay that in a bit. Skankers drink a lot ay alcohol and shag draftpak guys. They dress crassly, and seldom, if ever, touch Class As, although mair Skankers are daein them now. They’re type of women whae go tae discos and dance around their handbags. Hounds are the lowest ay the low, man; they’ll shag anything and are often alcoholics. Hiya Lassies are called so because they always say hi-ya-uh … when they meet you.

– You say that aw the time, Amber, Hazel says.

– So? Amber says, wondering what’s going down.

– You have to watch though, Ally says to me, – because Skankers say this as well sometimes. It’s the wey they say it that’s important.

– Are you callin me a fuckin Skanker son? Amber asks Ally.

– Naw, man … you say hiya in a cool wey, he smiles at her and she melts. Fuck me if we arenae aw coming up again. – You’re a Hiya Lassie, and they are easygoing, young, salt-of-the-earth Party Chicks. The best acquire that certain edge and become Sexy Feminists; the worst get stuck with a closet twat and become Straight-Pegs. Tell ye something else, Lloyd, he sais, turnin tae me, in eighty per cent ay cases the man always gets straight and boring before the woman.

– That’s fuckin knob-cheese, Ally.

– Naw, Ally’s right, somebody chips in. It’s Nukes.