Then it’s ma main man on the decks, and he’s on the form tonight, just pulling away at our collective psychic sex organs as they lay splayed out before us and ah get a big rosy smile off this goddess in a Lycra top, who, with her tanned skin and veneer of sweat, looks as enticing as a bottle of Becks from the cold shelf on a hot, muggy day, and my heart just goes bong bong bong Lloyd Buist reporting for duty, and the dance NRG the dance U4E ahhhh gets a hud ay me and I’m doing a sexy wee shuffle with Ally and Amber and Hazel and this big bone-heided cunt falls into me and gives me a hug and apologies and I’m slapping his hard wall of a stomach and thanking my lucky stars we’re E’d and at this club and not pished at The Edge or somewhere brain-dead no that ah would touch that fuckin rubbish … whoa rockets … whoa it’s still coming and I’m thinking now is the time to fall in love now now now but not with the world with that one special her, just do it, just do it now, just change your whole fuckin life in the space of a heartbeat, do it now … but nah … this is just entertainment …

LATER IT’S TIME to chill at Hazel’s gaff. Ally hits us all with some Slam which is all very nice except that he wants to spraff wildly and I’m in a dancy mood, naw, I’m in a shagging mood really. These Amsterdam Playboys do something tae ye behind your nuts. Woaf!

There are a lot of lassies back here. Ah love lassies because they just look so fuckin brilliant, especially when you’re E’d. It seems a wee bit obvious tae think that though, cause maist guys feel the same wey. Ah was reading somewhere about lassies being seen as either saints or whores. That’s too simple … that sound’s like shite to me. Maybe it was about laddies thinking of lassies in that way. Ah ask Ally about this.

– Naw, that’s shite, man, much too simplistic, he says. Ally’s got an amazing smile and his eyes seem to eat every word that comes from your mouth. – Ah’ve got ma ain classification, Lloyd. Lassies are either, one: Party Chicks; two: Straight-Pegs; three: Skankers; four: Party Chicks …

– You sais Party Chicks already but, ah told him.

– Let ays see … Party Chicks, Straight-Pegs, Skankers or Hounds, that’s the four types ay bird, he smiles, casting his eyes round the room. – Maistly Party Chicks in here, thank fuck.

– So what dae ye class as a Party Chick?

– Fuck knows … it’s obviously aw doon tae attitude, this whole classification … right … listen Lloyd, you necked that other pill yet?