Luckily, Bea had been doing a recce for work, eyeing up a warehouse space for a new exhibition that happened to be close to Cec’s house in London. Thank god she’s there. I run to the Tube, putting my coat on as I jog; my ‘Baby on Board’ badge is still stuck onto my top coat pocket.

‘All you lot are too busy staring at your phones to notice this pregnant woman!’ A very old and wrinkled lady is pointing her walking stick aggressively at a row of men in suits on the Tube. ‘You ought to be ashamed.’

‘So sorry, so sorry,’ one of the huge manspreading men splutters, scrambling to his feet. I turn bright red and realize they are all making a fuss over me.

‘And while you’re at it, you can move for me too. I’m eighty fucking seven!’

The men look shocked and most of them move out of the way at the speed of light.

The old woman takes a seat. ‘Much more comfortable sitting down, isn’t it dear?’ she says to me, smiling sweetly now.

When I finally arrive, sweating lightly after running from the station, I see Cec sitting on the ground in her front garden, howling.

‘My baby is inside. Somebody get him out, please!’

Cec and I still haven’t properly resolved anything since the bust-up at the baby shower, but when big shit hits the fan, everything else fades in comparison. We have bigger fish to fry.

Bea is on the phone pacing and it looks like a tall, hench guy with stubble has decided to take control. He has lots of tattoos and he’s wearing a navy hoody with a skull and crossbones graphic on the back.

‘Everyone calm down. I am going to climb to the top of your garage and I can easily get into your top window from there. I might have to break it,’ Skull Guy says.

‘Break anything, just get my baby out!’ Cec cries, her hands resting on her forehead.

‘Don’t worry,’ Skull Guy says, flexing his muscles. ‘Where is Oscar exactly?’

‘He’s in his car seat, just by the front door. Please don’t scare him,’ Cec sobs.

‘Who is that guy?’ I ask Bea, pointing at Skull Guy.

‘He’s Cec’s neighbour apparently; he ran over when he heard all the commotion.’

As we talk, Skull Guy strips out of his jeans and stands in just his boxers – the heavy jean material would only hold him back, apparently; he needs to be able to ‘manoeuvre’. He then runs and jumps onto a ledge on the side of Cec’s house, stands on the garage roof, jumps over onto the top of the conservatory and smashes open a window on the middle floor with a hammer. Bloody hell.

Cec starts hyperventilating again.

Skull Guy climbs in through the broken window and nearly cuts himself on the shards of glass. We watch, squirming. He throws the hammer off the garage roof and it flies through the air, nearly hitting Bea.