‘No boyfriend on the scene?’ Belle presses.

‘No … I’m actually not with anyone,’ I say. I look over again at Bea whose mouth is now hanging slightly open.

She gasps. ‘What? Why? When?’

‘Well, actually,’ I take a big breath. ‘Ages ago now. Like … a couple of months. I’m OK now though. Really.’

‘How could you not have mentioned this to me sooner? What happened exactly?’

‘Well, we disagreed about a lot of things, but well …’ I gulp down a huge mouthful of wine, Belle in my eyeline. This is so not how I imagined having this conversation with Bea. ‘I suppose the main reason is because I don’t want kids. That was a deal-breaker for him, sadly.’ I’ve just said it, ripped it off like a plaster.

Belle looks shocked and sad.

‘God Ol, I can’t believe it. I feel awful that I didn’t know. You’ve been dealing with this all on your own?’ Bea says gently, putting her arm around my shoulder.

‘Well, Zeta and Mum knew.’

‘I can’t believe this, love.’

‘It’s fine, you guys have had your own stuff going on. There never seemed to be a good time to bring it up, and I didn’t want to be a burden.’

Bea slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand. ‘Oh Olive. I am so, so sorry. I had no idea you needed us. I really regret how we all left that evening at Jono’s. Is that what you wanted to talk about that night?’

‘It’s OK, Bea. It’s actually been quite good for me, in the deep end on my own. At least I didn’t drown.’ I know what I’m doing. I’m trying to make Bea feel guilty, even if I’m not entirely sure why.

‘How are you feeling now?’

‘Better. Still plodding along I guess.’

‘But Ol, you’ve got so much going for you, you’re doing brilliantly with your writing.’

‘Is that enough, though?’

‘Of course. Your life doesn’t matter less because you don’t have a boyfriend or husband. Come on.’

‘I know.’ I wipe a tear away from my eye and wriggle my body slightly on the stool so that they move away from me a bit. They have dragged their chairs too close.

‘And I mean, who knows Ol, you might just be going through a phase with all the baby stuff. Hey, weren’t you looking into child-free women for an article at work? Maybe these doubts are coming from all that research. Obviously if you did decide to have kids – one day – you’d be a great mum!’

And there is was again, the old ‘if you change your mind’. This is the classic response to the statement: ‘I don’t want to have children.’ It’s almost a reflex, a safe word, a way of softening the blasphemy. I know we haven’t spoken about it properly, but I sort of expected better from Bea, I can feel my body itching with frustration. I can understand random strangers delivering that line without really thinking, but from my best friend? Who knows me better than anyone?