I feel guilty leaving, but if there is one person who would understand, it’s Tilly.

I stall the car twice before I’m able to pull away. Calm down, Bea.

The drive to Peter’s mum’s house is two hours long. It doesn’t give me enough time to memorize a long speech, but it should give me time to come up with my key points. This is good. Fewer words will have more impact and be easier to remember. I’ve boiled it down to two. Two key points.

I make the final turn into the unnecessarily long driveway that really deserves a road name of its own. The outside lights turn on as I park. There’s no turning back now.

I barely have time to knock before his mum opens the door. This wasn’t quite the scenario I imagined, but I don’t know why – after all, this is her house, not his. Maybe I haven’t thought this through enough.

‘Oh, hi!’ Does she remember me? If not, I shall remind her. ‘Sorry, I realize this is very random. I’m Bea, Peter’s … friend from university. Well, one of them. He has many friends. Peter is very friendly.’ That sounded dodgy. She’s staring at me, expecting more words. I swallow. ‘I was actually looking for Peter. Is he here?’ I wish I didn’t sound so rambling and desperate, apologizing yet again, seemingly for my very existence.

‘Bea, hello. Of course I remember you.’ She smiles at me, and I’m relieved that she’s giving me a friendly face. ‘Unfortunately he isn’t here – he left about an hour ago. I don’t know where he’s gone – he left in something of a hurry and I haven’t been able to get hold of him. Would you like to come in for a cup of tea? He might come back.’

As kind as her face appears to be, I can’t go in. That is a level of intensity I don’t think I can currently handle. Plus, my palms are so sweaty I don’t think I could hold a cup of tea without dropping and breaking it. And I bet they only have nice cups.

This is all very anti-climactic.

‘Oh, that’s so kind, but no, no thank you. I shall head back out. I was passing through and wondered if he would be in.’

‘Of course.’ I know she doesn’t believe me. Nobody passes through remote countryside.

‘Cool, right, well. It was lovely to see you again, even if very briefly. I’ll go now. Happy New Year!’ I walk away, and turn back before she shuts the door. ‘Maybe don’t tell Peter I stopped by – I don’t want him to feel guilty that he wasn’t in.’

I don’t particularly care whether or not she’s bought my pathetic excuse. I feel totally deflated. His lack of presence makes me feel as if fate is preventing us from being together, that there is a reason why we have never been more than friends. Great friends, but still, just friends.