I inhale and step back. There’s a small wet patch on Fred’s top, but I don’t think anyone will be able to tell whether it’s from tears or a smidge of drool.

Fred is first to talk. He knows I’m not totally fine, but he also knows a hug is the perfect medicine. ‘Well, we might as well use this time. Tell me, what have you got Mum for Christmas?’

Every year we say we will compare presents so we don’t overlap. Every year we forget. And so every year, we overlap.

‘Well, I suppose nobody can ever be too moisturized.’

CHAPTER 42

Christmas morning comes and goes with the usual bustle of activity. Olivia sneaks into my room to wake me up. Quite how and why children breathe so heavily I will never know, but I dutifully play my part and pretend to be asleep until she jumps on my bed, closely followed by Hugo, who licks every part of skin I’ve left exposed.

Now that Christmas Day has actually arrived, Mum’s mood has visibly shifted. It’s as if she can finally relax now that the event is here.

Or she might have taken some kind of herbal remedy. I don’t know which it is. Either way, the morning was full of laughter. And now, post-lunch, Olivia is napping in front of a Christmas movie, and the adults (a category I’m frequently surprised to find myself in) are all too full of food and unable to move from the table.

Which means talking.

And talking at Christmas means that people often feel the freedom, or even the requirement, to get extra personal. It’s the most stressful conversation I take part in every year, but I’m particularly anxious about it this year – for the first time I have lots of things to share. And lots of things to withhold. And I can’t possibly eat any more. My anxiety will have to do whatever it does without me nervous eating.

It starts off light. Anna is finally admitting that she needs to find something else to do other than looking after Olivia. Fred is talking about a possible extension on the house. Mum even admits that she’s joining a local murder mystery book group.

‘So how are the cards, Bea? Do you want me to look over the plan that you and Peter came up with? I could give it a once-over. I don’t know anything about cards, but I’m good with numbers.’ Fred offers.

I look at their faces and assess the mood in the room. I can never tell if it’s better to ruin a nice moment, or make a bad moment even worse.

Here goes.

‘Well, yes. That would be great, thanks.’ I take a fortifying sip of wine. As it’s liquid I hope it can seep into the spaces between the food. ‘And on that note, an … interesting development actually. My boss, Mansi, you remember her?’ Get to the point, Bea. ‘She’s put me in charge of staff development at work—’