I have been standing still for too long.

‘Sorry, didn’t I tell you I was doing Dry Jan?’

‘Oh no, it’s fine.’ It isn’t fine. None of this is fine. Why am I here? ‘I’m just surprised you wanted to come to a pub if you aren’t drinking.’ That came out a touch more harshly than it should have. ‘I’ll go get you your Diet Coke and you choose where to sit.’

There is absolutely no queue at the bar, so my thinking time is shorter than I would ideally like it to be. The girl behind the bar gives me a knowing glance. She can tell it’s a first date of the swipe variety.

‘You OK?’

I contemplate asking her if there is a back exit.

‘I’ll get two Diet Cokes, please.’

Turning around with two whole pints of Diet Coke in my hands, I see that Tom has added insult to injury by choosing the worst seating option possible. He had the pick of the place but he’s gone for a dirty table right in the middle of the room. I already know that I don’t want a second date.

‘So, why choose a pub when you aren’t drinking?’ I worry that I sound like an alcoholic, but I want to understand.

‘Oh, I love the smell.’

‘The smell?’

‘Yeah. I love the smell of a pub.’

Now I worry that he sounds like an alcoholic, but still I nod and say, ‘Oh my goodness, me too!’ I hate myself. Why do I do this?

‘Let’s cheers to that!’

He lifts his glass up and I think he’s being serious. He wants to ‘cheers’, but to what I am not entirely sure. Still, I raise my glass and toast him in pretend solidarity.

‘So, your accent, where is it from?’

‘Liverpool. I moved to London a couple of months ago.’

This is the other thing about dating apps. They’re frequently used by people who are new to the area, and I’m not interested in being a travel guide. I want someone who already knows the best way out of the tube without having to follow the signs.

Still, I say, ‘Oh, cool. Are you liking it?’ I know he’ll say yes – everyone loves London when they first move here, and even if they don’t, they say that they do.

‘I love it. I’m living with a really nice girl. It’s actually her who made me sign up for this online dating thing.’ I’m sure she did. There is nothing worse than having a housemate who’s in all the time. ‘So I should thank her, I guess.’

‘Ha, I guess.’

‘Cheers to that!’

Seriously?

His glass is already up there, and I’m not quite rude enough to leave him hanging.

Our glasses clink again and I’m even more embarrassed when I see that the girl behind the bar is watching us. I can’t blame her, I’d watch us too.

After an incomprehensible amount of cheersing, our glasses are finally empty.