Chapter Forty-Two

Aisha

Sunday 15^th August

Jason had obediently given me the space I requested and stopped the relentless calling, bar one text to deliver the news that the test results had not yet arrived and he would let me know the moment he found out. I was in the kitchen making soup and toast for myself and some baby rice for Joni – I had reverted to creating myself five-minute maximum student-style meals in Jason’s absence; there never seemed to be enough time or inclination to do more – when my phone began ringing on the kitchen counter. I saw Jason’s name appear. I froze, barely able to catch my breath.

I wanted to know the result and at the same time, I didn’t. It would mean more heavy conversations, more decisions – possibly even bigger ones. Plus Joni was hungry right now and I was just about to eat, myself. By way of a distraction, I’d begun reading up on weaning, and looked forward to the coming weeks when I could introduce baby rice and a few pureed solids to some of her meals. Jason didn’t know about any of this. He had asked to see her, but I’d said no. I didn’t know how we’d manage it, and although I knew how hard this must be for him, not seeing her for almost a week, I wasn’t ready yet.

I reached for a tea towel to wipe my hands, which were covered in avocado mush, but missed the call. Shortly after a text came through.

Hey. Can you talk? I don’t have the results yet, but I’m wondering if I can come over please? I’m desperate to see Joni and you. I know I don’t deserve either of you, but this separation from our baby, it’s killing me. Jx

I realized I was holding my breath, thinking the text was going to be the test result. I felt desperate. Half of me wanted this horrible mess to just go away, to forgive him and try to get back to normal. But the other half wanted him to stay away. Jason’s text was all about his own feelings – what about mine? I wasn’t sure if he realized quite how betrayed and angry I felt. And he hadn’t just let me down – he’d let down ‘our baby’ as well. How I wished there was a Gina Ford handbook for discovering your husband’s been unfaithful. But there was no manual to tell me what to do.

I sat down at the kitchen table, giving myself some time to consider my response. Sitting here took me back to that day when I returned home from the spa and found Lucy outside our flat, how I had merrily invited her in and let her borrow our spare bottle steriliser. The idea of this now seemed absurd and I wondered the real reason why she had been standing outside our house that day. Was something still going on? Now I thought about it, it was very suspicious that she ‘just happened’ to be walking past on a day when Jason knew I was supposed to be out; she was wearing more make-up than usual yet she had seemed out of sorts. And then a piece of the jigsaw puzzle slotted into place. Well, how would you feel if you had just taken a DNA test to decide the paternity of your child? That must have been the day they did it. I was conveniently out of the way. That meant they would have done the test in front of Joni too. They had made a fool out of me. My blood heated up.