‘Well I suppose I won’t be wearing it much once the baby arrives,’ I replied. ‘May as well make the most of it.’

‘Yes, the red lippy will have to go – your baby won’t appreciate it when you’re smothering him in kisses, believe me!’ came Maggie’s booming voice from behind a locked cubicle door. ‘Unless you both want to look like clowns, that is.’

Aisha and I looked at each other and smiled broadly. ‘Does she literally hear everything?’ I whispered, as Aisha silently giggled.

‘Noted, Maggie!’ I yelled back. ‘No more rouge for me.’ I slung the lipstick back into my bag for dramatic effect.

Aisha had put her hand over her mouth to stop her laughter.

Maybe I might make some friends here, after all.

Chapter Four

Aisha

As I was leaving the group, Dad texted to tell me he had transferred £500 into my account to buy us a cot. I had panic-texted him during the meeting, when almost everyone else mentioned they had prepared cribs for their babies, just in case they arrived early. Obviously, Jason and I didn’t yet own one. I was just trying to work out how to tell Jason about the payment, because I knew Dad’s hand-outs were a source of tension for him, when he phoned.

‘I feel like such an amateur,’ I told him as we chatted while I walked home. ‘The others seem so organized, whereas my only plan so far has been to survive the birth. As it turns out, not-dying isn’t a birth plan.’ I sighed loudly, for dramatic effect. ‘It’s made me realize that I – we – still have a lot to work out.’

‘Oh honey, we’ll get there,’ Jason replied. ‘People have babies every minute of every day and I bet loads of them are a hell of a lot less prepared than us. You attended a Baby Group for starters. Surely that counts for something? Isn’t the whole point of going to a Baby Group, to learn and plan?’

‘That and make some new friends. I’m not sure I’m going to succeed in that either,’ I said.

‘I can’t believe they were all psychos or boring, were they? Tell me about them.’

I took a deep breath. ‘Well, there was “Perfect” Helen and “Earth Mother” Susie who both had their birth plans all laid out. One of them is going to have her placenta made into tablets. I’m not even entirely sure where to find my placenta,’ I stroked my bump, ‘let alone how to make its funeral arrangements. I mean, is that bad?’

He chuckled in response. ‘Sounds quite mad to me.’

‘Then there was this “Deliciously Ella” one, who had prepared a salad that looked like it had walked off the set of its own cookery show. And she was wearing red lipstick. Jason, I don’t think I’ve worn any lipstick for the last three months, let alone a red one. I’ve never felt less cool. She turned up with a Gucci handbag too. She looked like an Instagram post.’