She knows.

For a moment I tried to carry on as if everything was normal, but my hand was trembling as I lifted the bottle to Albie’s lips again. He was playing me, and clamped his mouth shut. Milk splattered everywhere.

I hurriedly cleaned Albie up and tried again, holding him closely on the sofa as he polished off the bottle of milk. I didn’t take my eyes off him as he contentedly gulped it down. I was literally clinging on to him as though our closeness would give me strength. As I stared at his tiny features, an overwhelming love washed over me; a love for Albie more powerful than I had felt since he was born. It was so strong it almost hurt, like someone was twisting at my heart, wringing it out. I couldn’t love him any more if I tried. I kissed his forehead.

‘I love you so, so much, my little man,’ I whispered aloud. ‘But what the hell is Mummy going to do now?’ I paused, my eyes pricking with tears, just as Albie let out a little gurgle. ‘Oh you think so, do you? You think Mummy should do that? I think you could be right.’

When Jason and I took the home DNA test in his flat, that morning when Aisha was supposed to be at the spa, although we didn’t know the result yet, I achieved a form of closure. I realized that I didn’t want Jason in my life. But that Aisha deserved better than him. I think I realized then that she should know – whatever the result happened to be. But it didn’t surprise me that Jason may have reached the same conclusion and, naturally, he was determined to get to her first.

The reality was that if he did turn out to be Albie’s father, Jason might have to be in my life. I knew the chance was slim – ‘negligible’ was the word the consultant had used when I first discovered I was pregnant and came clean to the clinic about what had happened – but soon we would know for certain and I would have to deal with the consequences.

I was pretty sure that Aisha would never want to see me again; she must be feeling so betrayed, not only by Jason, but by someone who had come to be her friend. I wished I’d never joined the stupid Baby Group. At first I did it to put the frighteners up Jason. His face was going to be a picture when he saw me. But I hadn’t properly considered Aisha. She was so much more than I expected; a really lovely woman – she was kind, warm, clever. I liked her, and genuinely felt we had become friends. She made it all so much harder. She didn’t deserve this.

But most of all, I was terrified about what it might do to Oscar and me. There was now a large risk that he would find out – perhaps Jason would tell him next, out of spite – and Oscar might want to leave me. And if the baby did turn out to be Jason’s, well that could tear Oscar and me apart forever. It felt as though we were hanging on by a thread as it was. The thought of losing Oscar was now my biggest fear. Oscar was Albie’s daddy in every practical and emotional sense and the thought of losing him too much to bear.