But now the box is open. The past is creeping out over the edge. Poison seeping into my thoughts. Confusing them, controlling them. I do not need this now but I’m unable to stop the disappointment festering as hate all over again. It’s travelling through my body now, that sick feeling swelling in my stomach. My head begins to throb. I can see the empty glasses, the bare skin, the empty packet.

Suddenly I bolt up in the bed, my eyes open wide, staring at the bare wall in front of me like I’m waking from a desperate nightmare. I look around the room, the familiar shadows helping me breathe easier. I must not go there.

After a few minutes I’m relaxed. Well… more relaxed. I’m still a bit edgy so I swallow water from the bottle on my bedside locker and try to take my thoughts somewhere nicer. To my graduation day when I finally put a smile on my father’s face. Finally, I had my degree and he could mention me with pride just like he did his other children. Faye has qualified from medical school. It’s not what she wanted but hell, it’s what Daddy wanted. I picture my graduation photo. He’s standing beside me with his arm on my shoulder; Mam is on the other side. Mam is her usual grateful self. Her mood seldom changes. She’s like an observer standing on the edge of everyone else’s life. Unable to comment for fear of being wrong. She just smiles and obeys and makes sure the rest of us have what we need.

I’m happy in this picture. I smile and say ‘Cheese’ before realising something is missing. I don’t know what it is at first. I’m looking around me, scanning the crowd for her face. But she isn’t here.

My phone beeps, dragging me back to the present. I sit up in the bed and grab it from under my pillow. But it isn’t her. It’s just a text from my sister asking me how I am and if everything is okay.

I wish I could tell her it’s not. That everything is far from okay but I don’t want to bother her.

All good. Hope to see you at the weekend xx

I reply, then flop back onto my pillow.