He hurries over to where I’m standing at the patio door. The city is twinkling through the glass. I’m looking up at the dark sky, at the lonely moon looking back at me.

‘Tara.’ Lucas puts his hand on my cheek and turns my face to his. ‘Tell me, what’s wrong?’

I sniffle, then wipe my nose with my hand. I’m about to rub my eyes when Lucas wipes them for me.

‘This can’t go on Tara… you’re going to have to talk to me.’

I look into his eyes, his deep blue eyes, and nod. My mouth is bone dry. The tears have dried me up, or was it the gin? I gather spit with my tongue, swish it round my mouth and speak.

‘There’s something I have to tell you, Lucas.’

I walk away towards the kitchen area. I’m going to need a strong coffee to get through this.

Chapter Forty-Four

Then

My father hasn’t spoken in over an hour. He just sits by the side of the bed, ashen-faced, listening to Mam. He runs his hand through his hair every now and then as if massaging his brain, trying to understand what she is saying.

When Mam has stopped talking, she puts her hand out for him to hold. He leans forward and with both hands, he grips her hand tightly.

‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ he says. But he knows it is. I know it is. Mam has spent many a night and day lying here, just lying here in this same bed unable to move, thinking about it.

It’s as clear as the water that flows down Daylight mountain. Mam has absolutely no doubt in her mind. She wants to die. She wants us to help her leave peacefully before the disease gets a chance to drag her from this world screaming and crying.

I listen to her words like I’m sitting watching a performance. Her thin lips move with more precision than they have in some time. Her eyes seem void of emotion. It’s as if she has rehearsed this speech so often in her head, its contents no longer affect her.

She speaks about the facts, the menu of pain that lies in front of her and the awkward disrobing of her dignity. She leaves no reasonable doubt as to why she should revisit her decision. Since day one she has educated herself on everything she could expect from her diagnosis and while it has been hard up to now, the hardest bit lies ahead. She has searched and found no reason to allow it to occur. The disease has taken enough from her and she does not want it to take her last wish. Her decision is final, and she hopes we can allow her that. Mam also hopes we will help her.