Lucas is watching me from the far side of the small table. I’m sitting cross-legged on the ground. There is silence between us. The mug of coffee sits untouched on the table in front of me. I’m not sure if Lucas realizes I’ve finished talking, or if he just can’t find the words to express how he feels. His face is partly shadowed by the single light-bulb glowing in the corner of the room. I want to get up to fetch some water but I need him to say something. I want to know if he still loves me. Does he still want to marry me?

‘I’m sorry Lucas. I should have told you before now.’ My voice is low, weighed down by sadness. I lift my hand and reach for the mug but the coffee is cold now. I’ve been talking a long time.

‘Do you want a fresh one?’ Lucas says, stretching his arms out when he stands up from the sofa. It’s late now. Lucas is tired. I’m tired. The clock in the kitchen is out of sight but I’m guessing it must be after three in the morning.

‘No, I could do with a glass of water.’

What feels like a cold breeze passes over my body. My teeth chatter. I wrap my arms around myself and turn around to check the patio door is closed. It is. It must be my nerves. It’s been a few minutes since I finished telling Lucas my secret and he still hasn’t commented. Is he finding it hard to digest? Maybe I shouldn’t have told him at all but I couldn’t go through with the wedding knowing I was keeping something this big from him. At first I thought I could. That I could keep it locked away but I understand now that it will never leave me. No matter how hard I try to forget about it something will bring it back to life. I have to learn to live with it. It’s part of me. Part of who I am and Lucas needs to know that. If I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with this man I need to be able to talk about this whenever I need to. Lucas probably thinks it’s a bit much landing this on him now. Right before the wedding. Gosh I wish he’d say something. Anything. Just speak Lucas.

He walks over to my side with the glass of water and puts it down in front of me. Then Lucas returns to the sofa. He leans forward and stares at me. My heart is thumping in my chest and my hand trembles when I lift the glass. The cold water sends another shiver through my body but I swallow it all in one go. The thirst returns as soon as I’m done.