I first made contact with the website on my mam’s laptop because she wanted nothing to connect back to me. I didn’t know what I was looking for so Faye helped me. Both of us sat at Mam’s kitchen table staring at the screen like we were shopping for clothes. The consequence of what we were searching for didn’t dawn on us in that moment. We even laughed when we thought we might be making progress and would end up on some obscure site of no relevance. Dad wasn’t in the house at the time, which was just as well because he wouldn’t have been any benefit to us. He crumbled at the mere mention of anything to do with my mam’s request. I wouldn’t even ask for a lift to pick up the package. Thankfully, Andriu was insured on Faye’s car. Faye was able to tell me what drugs to google and possible online communities that might support our mission. It took a lot of hours searching before we came across the ‘Cabhrui’ website. It was very vague and didn’t directly say it supplied Nembutal. But it mentioned it, so we made a simple enquiry. Immediately the connection was erased and further communication took place over a burner phone that the seller said would be destroyed as soon as the transaction was completed. To my eyes, the seller was just words on a screen; there was no name, sex or nationality mentioned. The seller, however, needed my mother’s information to ensure the case was legit and that she was terminally ill. I don’t know how they checked that out. Maybe they worked for one of the terminally ill support groups or in the health board offices. I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to know.

It took over a month after the initial contact before I found myself standing outside the library on the far side of the city, taking a small bag from a female wearing dark glasses. She wore a coat with a big furry collar that hid most of her face, even though it was really warm out. The transaction was brief. I thanked her and she thanked me, saying that what I was doing for my mother was a great thing.

When I got into the car, I could see her doing a double take. Even through the dark glasses I could tell she was staring at the car. The woman was not at all happy that I had somebody with me. I didn’t recall being instructed to come alone – maybe I was supposed to have copped on to that part by myself but I didn’t drive, there was no direct bus and it was much too far to walk. I turned my head away from her stare and asked Andriu to drive on.