So here I am writing to you again like I don’t know how to stop. No Dan pushing me into it now. I suppose it’s something I’ve got used to doing and it doesn’t feel right to just give up on it.

I don’t know what it was like for you meeting me today, I can only tell you what it was like for me meeting you. It did me up proper at first. I guess you saw that. Sorry if it hurt your feelings or embarrassed you; I honestly didn’t mean to. Seeing what the fire had done to you and knowing it was because of me . . . I’ve hated myself for stuff I’ve done before, but nothing’s ever made me feel as bad as I did then, and still do now. I can’t see anything else ever will.

When it came your turn to speak it was hard for me at first to take in the things you were saying. I was ashamed to be in the same room as you, and couldn’t understand why you’d want anything to do with me.

Then you go and decide that you’re not going to make me feel even worse than I already do, even though it was your right—that’s what these meetings are all about, I think. You get to describe how I’ve screwed up your life, and to twist the knife to make sure I never forget it. But you opted out of that. I’m still trying to take it in, that you’d give up the chance of killing me in the only legal way possible.

So, if you’re wondering what made me give it up about your son-in-law in the end, it was you showing me how decent people behave. Not only that, you’d already thought about how my ma could be protected. No way could I hold back on you after that, I just needed to get it straight in my head. That was why I had to have some time out. Amazing how Dan understands these things.