Chapters (79)
- COVER
- About the Author
- Also by Jo Thomas
- DEDICATION
- ONE
- TWO
- THREE
- FOUR
- FIVE
- SIX
- SEVEN
- EIGHT
- NINE
- TEN
- ELEVEN
- TWELVE
- THIRTEEN
- FOURTEEN
- FIFTEEN
- SIXTEEN
- SEVENTEEN
- EIGHTEEN
- NINETEEN
- TWENTY
- TWENTY-ONE
- TWENTY-TWO
- TWENTY-THREE
- TWENTY-FOUR
- TWENTY-FIVE
- TWENTY-SIX
- TWENTY-SEVEN
- TWENTY-EIGHT
- TWENTY-NINE
- THIRTY
- THIRTY-ONE
- THIRTY-TWO
- THIRTY-THREE
- THIRTY-FOUR
- THIRTY-FIVE
- THIRTY-SIX
- THIRTY-SEVEN
- THIRTY-EIGHT
- THIRTY-NINE
- FORTY
- FORTY-ONE
- FORTY-TWO
- FORTY-THREE
- FORTY-FOUR
- FORTY-FIVE
- FORTY-SIX
- FORTY-SEVEN
- FORTY-EIGHT
- FORTY-NINE
- FIFTY
- FIFTY-ONE
- FIFTY-TWO
- FIFTY-THREE
- FIFTY-FOUR
- FIFTY-FIVE
- FIFTY-SIX
- FIFTY-SEVEN
- FIFTY-EIGHT
- FIFTY-NINE
- SIXTY
- SIXTY-ONE
- SIXTY-TWO
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- RECIPES
- Lavender shortbread
- Apricot jam sponge cake
- Lavender lamb
- READ MORE
- Prologue
- ONE
- TWO
- THREE
- FOUR
- THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
‘You never had children, Del?’ she asks, straight to the point.
The lump rises and falls in my throat. ‘We couldn’t have them,’ I say, having said this many times before. ‘Actually,’ I swallow, saying this for the first time, ‘I couldn’t have them. My husband, my ex, he’s about to have a child.’
‘That was quick work,’ she says.
‘I think his lover, partner,’ I correct myself, not knowing what the proper terminology is, ‘the mother of his child was pregnant before we came here. I think he ran away here when he found out she was. And when he went home, and I didn’t, I think he finally accepted his responsibilities.’
‘Well, that’s good in some ways. At least he did the decent thing.’
‘What about the father of your baby, Carine? Does he know?’
She shakes her head. ‘It wouldn’t be fair. He has a wife and a family. I don’t want to ruin that for him. I thought I had everything sorted, in its place, but now this is chaos! This is not what was meant to happen.’
It seems an odd way of showing your affection for someone, I think, but clearly, in her eyes, that’s what it is.
I wonder if this was how Mum felt when she found out she was pregnant with me.
‘You have to think of yourself too, Carine, not just the baby’s father,’ I say tentatively, ‘and the baby … Perhaps you should talk to Stephanie. I’d have done anything to be a mother. At first I thought it was about getting pregnant, but I know now it was never that. It was about being a mum. Being there when they need you, being Mum. I’m not jealous of Ollie and his partner being pregnant … but I would have liked to be a mum.’
Carine frowns as if slowly processing what I’m saying. ‘Hmm,’ she says thoughtfully. ‘It would have been so much easier if it had been me and Fabien finally getting together.’ She attempts a small smile.
‘How do you mean?’ I ask, feeling a breeze as the door opens and closes and another patient enters the waiting room.
‘Fabien wants nothing more than a big family of his own. He has lots of brothers, nephews and nieces. He’s probably told you. They live further north. He loves them. That’s why he’s so good with children. He just wants a family of his own. It’s the one thing he’s always wanted.’
I feel myself freeze.
‘Carine!’ The doctor sticks her head out of the surgery door and Carine gets up, holding her bag.
‘Will you wait for me?’ she asks.