Naboo. Didn’t I mention wanting to go here at one point? I guess I was imagining something more along the lines of lounging by one of those famous lakes while aesthetically pleasing humanoids brought me cocktails.

Instead, we arrived under the cover of night. That’s really the only way to go when you’re trying to surprise someone.

How interesting to see that our new best friend, Commodex Tahn, retired mortician of Naboo, was living out his golden years in a sprawling-yet-tasteful luxury villa. I suppose he felt like he deserved it after all the years of service to his people: peace and quiet, serenity, and the joy of silence. All of this emanated off of the gorgeous marble columns of the house, the spacious balcony that looked out onto the crystal-clear darkness of the night sky.

We were about to completely mess all of that up.

I don’t know if you’ve ever commanded your very own platoon of commando droids that you manufactured from an alien queen’s robot womb that you kind of, sort of stole from her, but let me tell you: It’s a rush.

They marched into the place in formation, ready to totally destroy the perfect serenity Commodex Tahn had taken such pains to craft.

And of course, I had my two most important battle droids by my side—

we hung back while the commandos stormed the place. But I knew I’d eventually need Trip and Beetee’s special talents—especially when Tahn pulled out a blaster rifle and started firing on my precious commandos…

We hear explosions of gunfire.

TRIPLE-ZERO:

Oh dear! It sounds as though our commando droid brethren are having some difficulties. Your specific talents are needed, Beetee!

BEETEE:

BLEEP BLEEP!

TRIPLE-ZERO:

You don’t have to be so rude—I was paying you a compliment!

APHRA:

Remember, guys: Stun. No killing! We need him alive.

BEETEE:

BLEEEEEEEEP!

TRIPLE-ZERO:

Yes, Beetee. Mistress Aphra means “alive” as in “alive until we have a little chat with him.” Won’t that be fun? Oh my, I haven’t gotten to torture anyone in so long!

APHRA:

It hasn’t been that long—what about that poor soul Santy delivered to Vader?

TRIPLE-ZERO:

Oh, mistress, that feels like it was positively ages ago!

If my programming allowed me to tremble with excitement, I think I would.

BEETEE:

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

TRIPLE-ZERO:

Yes, Beetee: Propel yourself onto the balcony, and Mistress Aphra and I will follow!

Beetee propels himself onto Tahn’s balcony.

COMMODEX TAHN:

Get away from me, droid!

Tahn shoots at Beetee, who fires back with an explosion.

COMMODEX TAHN:

Argh!

BEETEE:

BLEEP! BLEEP!

APHRA:

Beetee! I said stun!

TRIPLE-ZERO:

With the greatest respect, Mistress Aphra, the most important part of your order was “alive.” Beetee is very much a big-picture sort of thinker. And his big picture primarily consists of organics getting shot.

BEETEE:

BLEEP! BLEEP!

APHRA: