Chapters (57)
- Cover
- Doctor Aphra
- DRAMATIS PERSONAE
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- ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INT. THE ARK ANGEL. SOMEWHERE IN THE OUTER RIM.
APHRA:
Begin recording.
APHRA (narration):
The first thing you need to know: This time I’m dead. Definitely, definitely dead.
I’ve almost died before. So many times. “More lives than a tooka-cat,”
that’s how Sava Toob-Nix used to describe me. And this story, the one that ends with me definitely dead…it all starts with one of those times I almost died.
So let’s begin there.
We hear the blasts and explosions of a truly epic space battle—
perhaps a bit exaggerated in its epicness because this is the story as Aphra’s telling it, and she is nothing if not over the top.
APHRA (narration):
Imagine it: the most epic space battle you’ve ever seen. Lasers!
Explosions! Things that go pew-pew! And right in the middle of it all, our intrepid heroine—that’s me!—Doctor Chelli Lona Aphra. Rogue archaeologist, weapons expert, droid reactivator extraordinaire…and did I mention she is also extraordinarily beautiful? Raven tresses…that are usually a tangled mess, because they’re stuffed under a very stylish aviator cap, complete with rakish goggles. Brown eyes that spark—yes, spark!—with a yearning for adventure. Intriguing electro-tattoos running down her right arm—foolish, youthful mistake, or sign of an irrepressible daredevil? That’s none of your business!
Let’s join her as she makes her grand escape from a gang of nefarious pirates trying to gun down her glorious ship, the Ark Angel!
A particularly loud boom! as Aphra’s ship is hit.
APHRA:
Dammit…hyperdrive down, life support hit. Okay…okay…that’s fine, nothing to worry about. Activate auxiliary systems and get the crew working on it right away!
A beat as she realizes she’s talking to herself.
APHRA:
Oh, right. There are no auxiliary systems. And I don’t have a crew.
Time to get creative…
The ship’s comm beeps with an incoming transmission.
MAZ KANATA (on comm):
Doctor Aphra! Surrender the valuable artifacts you have stolen from us and we will leave you and your ship be and continue on our way!
Aphra speaks to Maz as she tinkers furiously with her ship’s control panel, trying to buy time.
APHRA:
Heeeey, Maz Kanata! Always an honor to speak to the galaxy’s most—
and I mean most—legendary pirate queen! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve dreamed of this moment, just the two of us on a comm while trying to shoot each other into the Void. I can’t imagine why you’re shooting at li’l ol’ me, though, I swear you’ve got the wrong girl—
MAZ KANATA (on comm):
Spare me your legendary—and I mean legendary—falsehoods, Aphra, we know you have the antique stealth microdroid dust—
APHRA:
You wound me with these accusations!
MAZ KANATA (on comm):