‘Your clothes are too tight, Judith, and they will impede your progress. You will feel them, be conscious of them instead of listening to the sound of your thoughts. Loosen the knot around your middle so you can no longer feel it restraining you. Insert your fingers into the waistband and pull the fabric free.’

I know that if I was drugged I would do this without question, so I quickly pull one end of the cord to release the bow. It’s a small thing and not worth worrying about. I try to settle as if I am relaxing into the session.

And then it begins. The doctor’s voice is raspy and low, and I find it hard to listen to him initially. Then I remember the other times he has spoken to me, and how I felt I had fallen under some spell, barely keeping awake. It never occurred to me that I was drugged, but perhaps I was. I had drunk nothing but sherry, and as Thea was drinking it too I assumed it was only the effects of the alcohol and the doctor’s mesmerising words that had lulled me into semi-consciousness. But I’m not sure I believe that any longer. And right now I don’t want to be soothed by his voice. I need to keep alert.

‘Tell me,’ the doctor says. ‘When did you realise that you were capable of killing a man?’

CHAPTER 40

40

Since the doctor sent my heart into my throat with his opening gambit I have struggled to control the impulse to jump up from the couch and ask him what he knows. I need to hear what is being said on the news, learn what I have done. I so desperately wanted to ask Thea when she came to collect me, but everything happened too quickly – from the moment I heard the buzzer and raced to chuck my drink away, to walking through this door. Without the dulling effect of Thea’s magic potions I feel as if my head will explode with all the facts, feelings and fears that I am trying to assimilate.

I’m terrified that if I’m not careful they will throw me out onto the street in the freezing cold with no money, no shoes and no proper clothes, and equally petrified by the fact that there is a warrant out for my arrest for what I did to Ian.

Through my half-closed eyes I am facing the study window and I can see outside for the first time since Thea took me down to the basement. Was that just this morning, or have I lost track of time? The curtains are open even though it is dark outside, but I have no idea whether it is early evening or late at night. I have nothing tying me to the fundamental security of knowing the day of the week or the hour of the day, and I feel detached from reality.