‘Thea has explained to you what we hope to gain from this treatment, I believe. Do you understand what she told you?’

I can’t speak, but I nod. I know it is what he expects.

‘We all put up barriers, you know. We protect ourselves from ridicule, the hurt of a cruel word, the pain of a broken heart. I know you find trust difficult, but Thea and I have helped you, protected you, supported you. We allow you to live in our home, despite the fact that you have killed a man. There are few ways left for us to demonstrate that we’re prepared to trust you. But for me to heal you and give you peace after what you have done, we need to knock down your walls, strip away your armour, and expose what lies beneath. For that, you have to trust me.’

The doctor speaks with a passion I have never heard before, and even through the fog of the drugs I feel panic rising up to choke me.

‘We even hide behind our clothes, disguising our inadequacies, scared that our less-than-perfect bodies won’t be accepted. But we don’t need to protect ourselves from those we trust. We need to lay bare our souls, our minds and our bodies.’

His voice has dropped to a steady level that keeps time with the rhythm of the music, and I begin to sway. I feel light-headed, a thin trickle of sweat running down my cheek. I no longer feel in charge of my body or my mind. I hear his words, but they mean nothing. I have become mesmerised by the doctor’s eyes – glowing, intense – beneath his thick black eyebrows. I can see the reflection of candlelight in their depths. They are twin luminous magnets drawing me in, and I find myself taking a step closer. I can feel my heart thumping in my chest. I am standing inches from him when he speaks again.

‘Tonight I will open myself to you, put myself in your hands,’ he says. ‘Tomorrow it will be your turn. It’s the only way I can help you, my dear.’

I still haven’t taken my eyes from his. Everything else in the room has faded into the dark walls. I sense that his hands are moving, undoing the top button of his white coat. I hear a dull click behind me as the door closes. Thea has gone.

He still holds my gaze. I can’t look away. I don’t want to. I hear a whisper of sound as his white coat hits the floor and he steps sideways, his eyes still locked on mine. I hear the water sloshing around as he steps into the bath and my eyes are glued to his as he lowers himself slowly into the water. He leans back.

‘Come a little closer, Judith. I’d like you to wash me.’

CHAPTER 46

46