Ans prayed for her loved ones at night when she couldn’t sleep and while she scrubbed floors and clothes during the day. Not knowing what was happening to them was torture. She thought of Miriam and Avi and baby Elisheva, praying that they’d remain safe and well hidden. She prayed often for Eloise and Herman, wondering if Eloise had sunk into despair after Herman’s arrest. He must be so worried about her. Was he even alive or had he been executed for his crime? Ans prayed and prayed as she wrung out the clothes, begging God for mercy.

Most painful of all were her thoughts of Erik. Would he ever forgive her? He’d begged her to stop working for the underground, warning her that she might be arrested. She should have listened. How he must hate her for not marrying him when she’d had the chance. And for disappearing. Ans comforted herself in the freezing nights by remembering the warmth of Erik’s arms. She would close her eyes and recall his kisses. They had enjoyed walking and talking together, cooking spicy meals and laughing —how she’d delighted in making quiet, serious Erik laugh. He was her first love, her only love. But then she would recall her fumbling attempts to share her faith with him and wish she’d done a better job. Erik didn’t know how to pray —for her or for the war to end. He couldn’t find comfort in trusting God.

What would become of the two of them after the war? Could they ever be as happy as Mama and Papa, who worked together in a life they both loved? Or as her grandparents had been, serving the church? Would they ever be as unselfishly devoted to each other as Eloise and Herman? Or Avi and Miriam? Could she and Erik truly look forward to a life together after the very different choices they’d made, the opposite directions they’d taken?

On some days Ans’s thoughts were as bleak and cold as the gray winter skies, her tears dampening the cement floor as she scoured the latrine. She heard planes droning overhead and the distant rumble of explosions, and she grieved for her once-beautiful country, now being trampled and scarred and forever changed. And she would never be the same, either. She had failed the people she loved —her parents by leaving her faith and her home. Eloise, by deserting her. Professor Huizenga had relied on Ans to watch over his wife, and she’d failed him, too. And Erik. If she had truly loved him, she would have done what he’d asked. Yet that would have meant abandoning Avi and Miriam and Elisheva.