I kneeled upright, knees as wide as an imaginary yoga mat, and started to touch myself. I think the boys thought it was for effect, but I was desperate to come again. Every part of me felt swollen. As I closed my eyes, wanting to stay in my filthy, outrageous fantasy for ever, I heard a gasp and a grunt and felt something hot and wet land on each breast. I started to feel disorientated, suddenly woken from a strange dream. ‘We should take a picture!’ said Tyler. As if it was a birthday party.

The tiniest mote of common sense entered my brain. ‘I don’t want my face in it!’ Russ laughed, and Tyler said ‘Yeah, well, we don’t want your face in it, Britch.’ The iPhone autoflash gave it a Blair Witch Project quality, semen gleaming in the sudden, dazzling light.

That’s when I started to feel sober, and very afraid. Wiping my chest with some discarded underpants, I pulled my top up, and wriggled back into my shorts. ‘I’m off to bed. See you guys in the morning!’ I said. I tried to sound cheerful. I tried to sound as though I found myself in this sort of situation all the time, and that I was always able to retain my dignity.

Stumbling out into the dark, I attempted to put my feelings into some kind of order. I’d just had an adventure. I was getting over my break-up with crazy behaviour. I was drunk! If I felt a little sad, and a little freaked out, it was only jetlag, or a hangover. I was so used to being good, doing the right thing, trying so hard to be perfect. I couldn’t work out how to get to the bathrooms, so I squatted down and peed in the grass. At least I wouldn’t get cystitis. When I crept back into my cabin, Alllison sat up and shone a torch at me. ‘Where were you?’ she hissed. I’d prepared an alibi. ‘I couldn’t sleep, I went for a long walk around the lake. It’s the time difference,’ I explained. ‘You’re lying,’ she replied. ‘I’ll pray for you.’

My memory plays tricks on me. Sometimes, I remember the way I shuddered with pleasure when Russ touched me, being overwhelmed with want, the sensation of being forced into my body and out of my mind. Sometimes I think about the uncertainty, the fear, the shame of not saying no and not knowing how to say yes. We never repeated the experience, and we didn’t stay in touch. Russ was fired after he said something inappropriate to an underage student. Sometimes I see Tyler on Facebook. He has a baby on the way.